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Post by krwordgazer on Dec 1, 2009 15:26:06 GMT -5
FYI, Scottinal - Maybe it's just me, but to just drop in and lay an FYI about "one of the best things (you've) ever read" on the subject without perhaps first acknowledging the courage it takes for Journey to re-live her experiences and then take the time to courageously share them with the world is simply sucky. edit to add: From Scottinal's second link (first doesn't work - it's about heroine addicts?) TRIGGER WARNING! Moreover, while I am not up to speed on battered women's syndrome, it has always struck me as plausible that some women who have been severely beaten might develop PTSD; in this case, abuse might prevent them from being fully responsible for some of their actions. That said, I also think that most battered women are responsible for their actions, and that the idea that they are not is, as Hirshman says, insulting. "might", "might", and OMG!, "insulting" Scott - if this is truly one of the best things you've ever read on the subject then you don't belong here. I didn't care for the post in Scottinal's second link either; but there was a link to the first post at the beginning of that second post, and reading the second post in context with the first, does help. I'm not sure what's wrong with Scottinal's first link, but here's a better link to the first half of the article: obsidianwings.blogs.com/obsidian_wings/2009/04/why-do-they-stay.htmlIt does, however, strike me as very odd that a woman who has worked at a battered woman's shelter for five years thinks that partner abuse just "might" lead to PTSD. And some of the other things she says do seem very emotionally (even mentally?) detached, viewing the whole subject as if it were an academic course of discipline instead of about real suffering-- and therefore insensitive. I don't get it. Edit: to be fair, the linked article was written in response to an article in Slate, which I think has a similar, cold tone. Here it is: www.slate.com/id/2215693/pagenum/all/Reading this one does help me understand the tone of the response a bit better.
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Post by journey on Dec 1, 2009 15:32:20 GMT -5
Hey, sargasseosea, I am friends with scottinal and his wife. So there is already a relational context there... Thanks for looking out for us, though. Btw, I thought the two articles you linked to, scottinal, were excellent and appropriate (the first link didn't work, but is easily fixed). I think that the quote you shared, sargasseosea, needs to be read in context with the *first* article (big time). The author is not saying that staying with abusers is the woman's fault, and she expressed frustration with another article's author who openly says that it must be. The blogger also, however, is not wanting to make the mistake of saying that the women were powerless (because abused women DO have power...the problem is, they are made to believe that's not true). In context, she's about to explain why the question, "but isn't it the woman's fault if she stays," is not the best question to ask, and why. If you check out the first post, it's much more clear. Thank you to everyone for the words and thoughts and interesting observations!
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Post by jemand on Dec 1, 2009 15:37:53 GMT -5
Hey, sargasseosea, I am friends with scottinal and his wife. So there is already a relational context there... Thanks for looking out for us, though. Btw, I thought the two articles you linked to, scottinal, were excellent and appropriate (the first link didn't work, but is easily fixed). I think that the quote you shared, sargasseosea, needs to be read in context with the *first* article (big time). The author is not saying that staying with abusers is the woman's fault, and she expressed frustration with another article's author who openly says that it must be. The blogger also, however, is not wanting to make the mistake of saying that the women were powerless (because abused women DO have power...the problem is, they are made to believe that's not true). In context, she's about to explain why the question, "but isn't it the woman's fault if she stays," is not the best question to ask, and why. If you check out the first post, it's much more clear. Thank you to everyone for the words and thoughts and interesting observations! ah, the fact that you know each other IRL does definitely put a context into that post. I was pretty surprised at that too, including the "one of the best" without really engaging what you'd said at all, and that didn't seem to be in character with what I'd seen of scott in the chat. I haven't read the articles, but I don't really like that quote... I probably should read before giving judgment on that though.
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Post by sargassosea on Dec 1, 2009 17:16:07 GMT -5
My bad But, that you know Scotinal & his wife important contextually and I really appreciate the disclosure. To all: I have read both pieces now (thanks for the 'better' link to part 1, KR) in addition to the Salon article and... All of that was feminist theory to one degree or another. What Journey said here is very, very personal. Whether she intends it to be 'political' or not is unclear.
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Post by juliacat on Dec 1, 2009 17:55:37 GMT -5
Journey, I think anyone who has been in an abusive relationship, or been close to anyone in an abusive relationship, will understand instantly how hard it is to leave. I was in an abusive relationship myself when I was 20. Fortunately, we weren't married and we weren't in a fundamentalist religion, so I was able to get out. Not sure I'd have been able to do it if I'd been in your position. I thought hitting = abuse and since my boyfriend never hit me, I thought everything he did was okay--controlling (or attempting to control) what I wore, who I talked to, what music I listened to; FORCING ME TO HAVE SEX, the whole thing. I was afraid to tell anyone what was going on because I thought they would hate me for not being a virgin any more. But yeah, he had a mask that made him look great to other people--smart, sweet, kind, and altogether amazing. Still does. He has something like 400 friends on Myspace!
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Post by Vyckie D. Garrison on Dec 1, 2009 18:16:49 GMT -5
Journey ~ thank you, thank you for this post. Your explanation why abusive relationships are not so obvious from the inside is a valuable contribution to the NLQ "message" which is so important to keep in mind as we are sharing and processing here. It is so easy from the outsider perspective to say, "Well, if MY husband had EVER treated me that way, I'd have been out of there immediately!" I don't know how many times over the years, my mother said to me, "Vyckie ~ he is abusive!" And always, I would set her down and explain the reality of the situation which she was not taking into consideration. I would tell her that because Warren is blind, he HAD to be controlling ~ he could not look around the house and see that everything was okay ~ he had to ask ~ and if an item he needed was not in its usual place, he could not look around and see that it was misplaced a foot away and a little to the left ~ so if something was out of place, he had to go in search of it or else get someone to help him ~ and that was a major inconvenience which could cause him to lose his train of thought ~ and so he HAD to insist that everything be returned to its proper place. Every time, after I had spelled out all these extenuating circumstances for Mimi, she would say, "Okay, now I understand" and she would apologize to Warren for jumping to conclusions and for minunderstanding him and judging him. I had a million similar explanations for all his behavior. And so it would go ... Also ~ along the lines of the "no gossiping" topic from another thread, I thought it would be unChristlike of me to complain about Warren ~ Period. And, to take it even farther, not only did I never speak a word against him, I felt it was my role as a suitable helper to do PR work for him. So whenever Warren (out of ignorance, pettiness or whatever) made an ass of himself, I would quickly step in and "reinterpret" whatever he'd said or done and explain it in a way that put Warren in the best possible light. And I honestly believed every word of my PR ~ I truly did think that Warren was a nice guy and I never doubted that he loved me and the children ~ and that his heart was completely sold out to Jesus ~ the same as mine. I was absolutely positive that everyone liked Warren. There has been enough public education regarding blind people and their testimonies of courage and determination ~ their amazing ability to overcome their disability and live normal, quality lives ~ and so, people are generally predisposed to like Warren simply because he's blind. I noticed early on that when Warren said something totally nonsensical ~ whoever was listening would just assume that he is intelligent and a good guy ~ and so they would just assume that he actually meant something that made sense. At times, they would even swear that he really said the complete opposite of the actual words that came out of his mouth. Now ~ here's the interesting part. When it comes to calulu's question about the mask slipping ~ despite all of Warren's problems, I really felt confident that all these factors (people's predisposition to like him, my PR work, etc.) worked together to ensure that his reputation as a genuinely nice Christian man was pretty much guaranteed. So ~ I was really hesitant when I went to the lawyer (a friend of Warren's and financial supporter of the paper) ~ because I MYSELF could not really think of any "actual abuse" to accuse him of. When I started telling my story to the lawyer, he said, "I always felt like there was something not quite right about Warren." I was shocked! He went on to tell me that since he only saw Warren a few times a year, he didn't give a lot of thought to figuring out what was so "odd" about him ~ but he definitely had a feeling that something was going on. Then he told me that I was going to need about 5 people who were willing to sign affidavits for the judge stating that they had witnessed his abusive behavior ~ or at least that they had suspicions like he did that something wasn't quite right about him. I responded: Everybody loves Warren! I mean, I could probably get my mother to write something up for me ~ but even Angel didn't really have anything seriously horrible to accuse him of. I was so doomed ~ and I was really worried that I was in for a major battle to get custody of the kids. Well ~ I told a homeschool friend of mine about all this ~ she had known our family for years and had watched Angel go from happy-go-lucky little girl to deeply disturbed young woman and she was determined to help me save the younger ones from the hell of living with Warren. So she started making phone calls ~ and within about a week and a half, was able to get me over 30 affidavits ~ some of them quite shocking in what they had to say about Warren's abusiveness! His best friend told the judge, "Warren sucked the life out of me. I can't imagine what it must have been like to actually live with him." I was so sure that nobody else knew ~ didn't even suspect ~ that there were any problems. Wow. And I was so relieved to win full custody of the kids and to finally be out from under his tyranny ~ that I didn't bother to go back to all those witnesses and ask the question, "If this was so obvious, why did you never talk to Warren or me or try to help our family in some way?" Because I already knew ~ their reasons would be pretty much similar to my own reasons ~ defining and recognizing abuse is not that simple ~ just as you say, Journey ~ IT'S COMPLICATED. ETA: My apologies if this post is triggering for Mimi
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Post by margybargy on Dec 1, 2009 19:05:14 GMT -5
Vyckie,
Wow. It's interesting that your perceptions of what people thought were so different from what they really thought. Journey's post and subsequent discussion has me conceptualizing abuse as a "set up" to a large degree. A lot of it seems to be about maneuvering the victim into a certain mindset and pattern of behavior. Part of that seems to be arranging things so that the victim is unable to seek out honest feedback. They're isolated, supportive relationships are undermined, self-confidence is undermined. In QF situations, the women are extremely overworked, probably sleep deprived.
Sorry if I'm just stating the obvious here, but I'm just now putting this all together. To be honest, I'm one of those people who never "got" why women don't leave abusive relationships. I figured they must have good reasons, but I didn't get it. Now I'm starting to get it.
What do you suppose would've happened if someone (besides your mom) had said, "Warren is not treating you right"? Of course, as you said, you collected 30 affidavits. I'm sure if 30 different people said, "Warren is not treating you right", it would have made an impact.
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Post by rosa on Dec 1, 2009 22:28:18 GMT -5
Having OFTEN been the person saying "wow, that is not OK" to friends with abusive partners or parents...what they say is "how dare you interfere! They're better to me than I deserve!" and then stop telling you things.
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Post by justflyingin on Dec 2, 2009 1:03:03 GMT -5
I think that the lack of someone to talk to about problems is a serious issue nowadays in the ministry. That is why someone like Jim Binney and his wife started www.leadministries.net/ I am not sure it would have helped in your case, but it could have been a starting place...someone to talk to. This is just a heads up. Of course, a person has to want to change before anything will happen and it sounds like your husband thought he was "God's gift to mankind" and thus had nothing to change.
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Post by margybargy on Dec 2, 2009 4:52:50 GMT -5
Having OFTEN been the person saying "wow, that is not OK" to friends with abusive partners or parents...what they say is "how dare you interfere! They're better to me than I deserve!" and then stop telling you things. As an outsider it's very hard to know what to do. When I was younger, I probably belabored the point too much. You'll tune anyone out if they're lecturing you. Plus feel defensive, disinclined to listen. I'm thinking back to one regrettable episode where a friend had a controlling boyfriend. He'd make outrageous demands on her. Come over at 3 am and wake her up to make him a sandwich. He constantly hovered around. Was insulting, intimidating. We girlfriends staged a sort of intervention. I guess nobody had the courage to address it one-on-one. Disaster. She just withdrew from us and eventually married the guy. Now that I'm older, I'd probably just make my point as calmly, concisely and matter-of-factly as possible. Keep my ears open. Look for opportunities to repeat as needed in a non-invasive, non-obnoxious manner. Just try and stay in there. I don't know that I'd have any success either way. I just know the first way didn't work. It's very easy to fumble on the two in these situations. Easy for me anyway.
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orual
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Post by orual on Dec 2, 2009 9:44:27 GMT -5
I think this assumption is correct. By the time I left my ex I thought that my parents wouldn't support me (because they were hard-core Christians and I never talked about the abuse). I had a plan to go throw myself at the mercy of one of my heathen extended family members (LOL).
Anyhow, my ex had so isolated me from everyone that I really thought no one would believe me. Boy, was I wrong. My mom screamed Hallelujah and kept telling me to stay the course (of divorce) LOL and alot of people said they just didn't like my ex.
In regards to sleep deprived - my ex worked a night shift and I had to make him his 'lunch' at 11pm, talk to him on the phone till he got to work and then talk to him on the phone till he came back from work around 6:30am. All this with two small babies at home that would wake up in the middle of the night. I'm amazed I could cope with it all.
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Post by journey on Dec 2, 2009 12:16:05 GMT -5
In reading all these responses, I am thinking, boy, if there's one thing that NLQ does, it blessedly rids your mind of the feeling that you're the only one who's experienced such things, all alone. I wanted to add that I currently have a dear friend who recently got married to a man who is abusive. I know for sure he is abusive because she was recently telling me he is during a phone conversation, only she didn't call it "abuse," just that they were having some "problems." (Among the problems, right now, she can't call her friends if he's around becasue he gets worried when she's on the phone, convinced that she's saying something bad about him, so she has decided to honor him by just not getting on the phone hardly ever until he gets over this silly fear.....he screams horrid things at her for long periods of time and then the next day acts as if everything is normal...she's begun walking on eggshells in her own home)... I was just visiting her recently and was literally sickened by this man, in that he was so self-absorbed and so needing-ego-boosted every second...constant cutting remarks about her (nice cutting remarks, though, the kind that aren't openly violent but have that subtle cut to them), was always right, etc. I became so nervous about everything I did or said, becasue I knew that if I didn't keep on his good side, I'd lose my friend... Because right now, she's convinced that love will change him, that showing him grace will change him. She is an older and normally-wise woman....and, as usual, the abusive behaviors started AFTER they married.... So here I am, knowing that's not going to happen, knowing it is abuse, knowing everything that I know, and yet...how to say it? It's such a delicate thing, because you basically can't say much until THEY are ready to hear it. If you say too much before they are ready, they'll cut off (or cool down) the friendship....and you want to be there for them, you don't want them to isolate themselves. But if you don't say anything, then you are contributing to the problem of helping them believe everything is a-okay. I'm still shaken by our last phone conversation and my visit to the house...and trying to figure out how to casually and carefully express my concerns in a way that won't cause her to pull back from me. Just sharing that it's complicated...with these types of things, it's always complicated... I think that one of the most horrible things about abusive relationships is that all the things that would NORMALLY be good, if you were married to a healthy person, become bad. Like my friend's commitment to showing her new husband grace and love, or Vyckie's commitment to patience with her husband, my decision to not speak ill of my husband to anyone, etc, etc, etc. With a healthy partner, those are generally good things. But when you are with an abuser, those good things will eat you for lunch.
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Post by scottinal on Dec 2, 2009 16:48:11 GMT -5
Wow. I missed a lot of conversation here and even started my own little mini-controversy. Sorry about that.
First let me say that sargassosea was right in that I was remiss in not even mentioning journey's article, which is SO HELPFUL and informative, when I posted my links. I can see how that seemed insensitive. Also I was remiss in not mentioning that I know journey in a non-NLQ context. Journey, thanks for pointing that out.
When I mention this fact, I need to say that I have been shocked by Journey's posts here. I thought I sorta-kinda knew what she was going through and clearly I did not. I have been so taken aback that I haven't even known what to say. I'm not normally speechless. But this has made me so.
Vyckie, your explanation of your defense of Warren was telling.
I really appreciate what I learn here. Y'all rock!
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em
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Post by em on Dec 2, 2009 23:12:23 GMT -5
Journey, next time you talk to your friend on the phone or when her husband's not around, bring up disturbing behavior you witnessed when visiting or whatever happened during the last phone call. Ask what was going on there. It will give you a good way to gauge your friend's readiness to talk about it. If she says "oh, it's nothing. I don't even know why you'd ask" obviously you can't say anything at this point. But if she seems confused or upset by it, then you can maybe mention something similar your ex did and how it hurt you ... not necessarily saying he is being abusive but just that it's giving you flashbacks to your ex and you don't want your friend to have to go through that ... or something else similarly tactful. I'm sure you'll have no problem at all with what to say. It is a fine line, so I think it's probably best to casually mention something a little off and then taking your cue from her reaction.
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Post by jadehawk on Dec 3, 2009 3:48:33 GMT -5
journey, thank you so much for writing this.
this is a very important essay; it explains all the things that just don't ever get told about abusive men. Every woman should have access to an essay like that, for three reasons: 1) if she's not in an abusive relationship, to be able to really recognize what that looks like and extract herself ASAP; 2)if she is in an abusive relationship already, it could take away a bit of the isolation and could help her to simply know that she's not alone and that there isn't anything wrong with her, and thus might make it possible for her to take a first step out; 3)if she has a friend in such a situation, it might help her understand why the friend behaves the way she does, and might thus not make the mistake of alienating the friend and worsening the isolation.
actually, I think this essay would be perfect for a Women's Studies class(anonymously, of course). Shoot, I'd insist on it being required reading material for High-School students, if High-Schools had a class in which such things could be appropriately dealt with. After all, this is vital information for young people!
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Post by margybargy on Dec 3, 2009 4:59:17 GMT -5
actually, I think this essay would be perfect for a Women's Studies class(anonymously, of course). Shoot, I'd insist on it being required reading material for High-School students, if High-Schools had a class in which such things could be appropriately dealt with. After all, this is vital information for young people! ITA. One of the big reasons I come here is out of concern for my daughter. Growing up I never had access to this information. I had no clue, no concept. I want her to be informed about this stuff. So, Journey, thanks again.
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em
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Post by em on Dec 3, 2009 10:07:02 GMT -5
actually, I think this essay would be perfect for a Women's Studies class(anonymously, of course). Shoot, I'd insist on it being required reading material for High-School students, if High-Schools had a class in which such things could be appropriately dealt with. After all, this is vital information for young people! This morning I just saw this article kdka.com/local/Demi.Cuccia.Bill.2.1347182.html in my local news. The parents of a local 16 year old (I think) girl whose boyfriend murdered her are in the state's capital as a bill is introduced that makes all middle and high schools include information about dating violence in their curriculum. Definitely a good idea, but man how sad that someone so young lost her life in such a way.
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Post by rose31759 on Dec 4, 2009 13:55:58 GMT -5
I just read the article and Journey (BTW: what a beautiful name), you have hit it perfectly. I applaud your courage in telling your story and I pray that through the telling that you are able to heal and move forward to whatever it is that you have been put here to do. Your story has touched me and has shone a light on what I lived with for many years as a conservative Christian wife and mother. Though my husband was not like Mark in any stretch of the imagintion, he too was on the receiving end of abusive comments by those men who were in the churches that we attended. I was often seen by those men as being in 'rebellion' because he (my husband) thought more about the needs of his family than looking good infront of the other men and the church as a whole. I don't believe that anyone ever really took the time to listen to me and to the pain that I was dealing with, their only concern was that I took on the role of the 'submissive' wife and that my husband became the 'authority' of the home and tell me and our daughters what to do, how to do it,... well you get the picture.
Once again, thank you for having the courage to tell your story, I have read it over the past week and would like to tell you that you are a strong and courageous woman.
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Post by journey on Dec 4, 2009 16:58:53 GMT -5
Thank you all so much.
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Post by brakeman on Dec 4, 2009 18:56:27 GMT -5
I am the father to two young daughters, 1 & 12 yrs, and step father to a 24 yo girl and a 26 yo boy. My wife's first marriage was to an abusive husband (career criminal to boot). While reading this article I was beset with a huge question, "what and how do I teach my daughters to make them less susceptible to this?"
After going to the "DR Irene" web site that one of the commentators posted, I read several good article from the writer that gave great insight to abusive or "bullying" behavior. But when I went to the forums there I was floored by the pervasive misandric idea that every marriage relationship was abusive and ripe for escape. I saw little balance and introspection.
My point is not to criticize the website's forum, instead I say that to frame my question. How/what do I teach my daughters to participate in a marriage yet "Nip in the bud" so to speak, any seeds of abusive behavior. What should I say to my 12 yo to explain the difference between good men and bad men when there is really no such thing as a man who has never been so perfect as to never slight his wife? Obviously there are varying degrees of abusive behavior. Cannot small transgressions be replied to in such a way as to counteract possible growing regressive behavior? Several failed marriages are almost as destructive as one abusive one. Time in life is important and I don't want my children to waste it either in an abusive relationship or a string of failed ones looking for the perfect one. I am not perfect myself, I have to stop and laugh whenever I ask my wife "Where did you put my keys?" (when I'm the one that misplaced them). I intentionally searched for a strong willed wife, one who would resist any overt male domination. My Wife is iron willed now with me, yet she was submissive to her first husband.
I absolutely and positively do not want my daughters to be hit, trapped, or controlled, mentally or physically. I strongly want them to "nip this in the bud" first and decisively.
Obviously we need to teach our kids self respect and self esteem, perhaps even kung fu. But what else?
How do we stress the importance of suitable dating periods before marriage and teach them the warning signs? How much importance should I advise them to put into a marriage vow?
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Post by ambrosia on Dec 4, 2009 19:30:04 GMT -5
I don't think it's a matter of specific information as much as an attitude. A few suggestions: - Raise your daughters to value themselves for themselves rather than a means to an end ("fetal-support unit" or some such). - Present an example of a relationship that respects everyone in it, honours boundaries and importantly enjoys each other's company. If you have to walk on eggshells around someone, it's not fun. - Help them to learn to trust their judgment about people and how they are treated. - Believe them if they say something isn't right.
ETA: I found that it's important to pick your battles. You can give a lot of slack with trivial stuff that you may not like (haircuts, goofy clothes fads) and keep communication open since you aren't on someone's case about things that ultimately don't matter. Give them safe ways to learn from mistakes.
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Post by brakeman on Dec 4, 2009 19:46:37 GMT -5
I've always heard that boys can talk teenage girls into anything, and that no matter the parental effort, the girl can get herself into some big messes. I don't ascribe to that theory. I want my daughters to be smarter than even myself, so I want to get their fertile minds to figure this out by their own reasoning, I just want to get started bring up points and examples before the communication curtain drops when they start dating. I hope to get some good advice here.
How could your parents have successfully discussed this with you when you were young?
Thanks,
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Post by jadehawk on Dec 4, 2009 23:15:26 GMT -5
I've always heard that boys can talk teenage girls into anything, and that no matter the parental effort, the girl can get herself into some big messes. I don't ascribe to that theory. I want my daughters to be smarter than even myself, so I want to get their fertile minds to figure this out by their own reasoning, I just want to get started bring up points and examples before the communication curtain drops when they start dating. I hope to get some good advice here. How could your parents have successfully discussed this with you when you were young? Thanks, the single most important message for teenage girls is that it's not important to be liked by a boy, per-se. Dating has so many "rules" about how you have to behave so the person you're on a date with will like you, that girls will internalize this quickly and no matter what else you'll teach them, the dating game will always teach them that it's important to make the other person like you by altering your behavior and "playing by the rules" So, the only way to counteract this is to raise them with a lot of self confidence, and teach them that if you have to change who you are to be liked by a particular person, that person isn't worth being liked by. A boyfriend should be someone who likes you for who you are, not someone you "caught" by making yourself more pleasurable to him... because then you have to keep changing yourself to be pleasurable to him in ways you will not like, just so he won't leave you. Which is another thing. A bad relationship is not "better than nothing". It's ok to be single if having a boyfriend doesn't make you happier. So, lesson 1: changing yourself to be liked isn't going to make you happy lesson 2: being single isn't a disease. it's better to be single than in a bad relationship those lessons will be ignored and scoffed at, but your daughters will remember, and when it becomes important they just might act on it :-)
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em
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Post by em on Dec 5, 2009 0:41:23 GMT -5
Amen to that, jadehawk. No relationship beats the hell out of a destructive, abusive, or unhappy one.
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Post by grandmalou on Dec 5, 2009 7:41:23 GMT -5
Welcome, Brakeman... It is good that you want to encourage your young ladies toward healthy realationships! Some time back, I posted an old newspaper article here, but for the life of me can't remember now, which heading...so will post it again. One more thing though, and I remember it well. With my own mother I could talk to her about NOTHING! LET THEM TALK to you, about everything and anything, and then LISTEN with your heart. OK...here's that article, and much luck and I hope this helps: List helps woman recognize abuse: Dear Abby: In 1996, in memory of a 19-year old woman who was murdered by her boyfriend, you printed an item requested by her family. It changed my life. On March 29 of the year, my dad said, "I have something for you," and handed me your column. It contained a list of 15 warning signs of a batterer. It was my wake-up call. At first I thought, "How can this help me?" Well, it did. No. 1 took me back to the beginning of my relationship with my fiance'. By the time I reached No. 15, I had reviewed the past seven years of my life. Few realize how important a role verbal abuse and criticism play in an abuser's efforts to gain control and keep you from leaving. The verbal abuse was harder for me deal with than being kicked in the back when I'd walk away from one of his outbursts. After reading that column, I finally understood there was nothing I could change about myself that would make him love me. Thank you, Abby. I wish I could let the family of the 19-year-old woman know they changed my life. GRATEFUL IN ILLINOIS Dear Grateful: People often ask if I ever hear from readers letting then know how my columns have affected them. The answer is yes, and today I'll reprint that list in your honor. 1. Pushes for quick involvement: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately. 2. Jealous: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car. 3. Controlling: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're lateA) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permissionto go anywhere or do anything. 4. Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need. 5. Isolation: tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job. 6. Blames others for problems or mistakes: It is always someone else's fault if something goes wrong. 7. Makes others responsible for his or her feelings: The abuser says, "You make me angry," insted of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you." 8. Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life. 9. Cruelty to animals or children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children. 10. "Playful" use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting. 11. Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. this may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse. 12. Rigid gender roles: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home. 13. Sudden mood swings: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes. 14. Past battering: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it. 15. Threats of violence: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."
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