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Post by Vyckie D. Garrison on Sept 9, 2010 8:26:22 GMT -5
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Post by hopewell on Sept 9, 2010 9:47:04 GMT -5
Like another recent NLQ post, "Leaving the Fold," this one struck home. We did homeschool for a year when my kids were in 3rd and 5th grade--as a single Mom it was a nightmare trying to work and do school. In the end I caved and sent them back to school. In spite of my fears and paranoia, they were both doing just fine academically when they entered school again--in fact my son picked up substantially in reading. HOWEVER, they were so lonely and starved for friendship--made worse by our living in a small rural neighborhood [no, not a homestead-just a small subdivision in the middle of nowhere.] Happily, I never pulled the plug on toys, tv, of what friends the neighborhood offered. We did Scouts and Soccer But it was lonely for them and I was overwhelmed. Fast forward 3 years to a new job, new state, bigger neighborhood. My daughter, my school lover teacher's dream child, asked to go back to homeschool. While our relationship did blossom and we came to understand each other much better it was the lack of friends and acceptance that made her decide to go back to school. As a single Mom I was NEVER, EVER accepted into a Christian homeschool group even though I WAS and AM a devout Christian and I had adopted my kids. Never good enough. Happily I grew up with Church-hating parents and didn't see the need to worry about this! God loved me.
POINT OF THIS RAMBLE: While kids DO [IMHO] spend too much time with same-age peers and it does handicap them in dealing with other age groups, it's crippling for them to be without friends, to not "fit in" to not understand life in terms of what their peers know [good and bad]. While I certainly met my share of homeschool kids who were very well adjusted, had tons of friends in any kind of school you want to pick, these were NEVER, "Christian Homeschoolers" [capital C capital H as in "The Movement"] I remember the robot children--the girls ALWAYS in some awful dress, towing a younger sibling by the hand, somehow they were all named Hannah, Lydia or Faith. The boys of "the movement' were always just awful--no manners, and all seemed to have ADHD although this was probably just the effect of getting OUT and being with PEOPLE!!! The Mommy Wars were so awful--the smug looks and the movement lingo. I remember at an American Heritage Girls ceremony the approving looks between the Mommys of 4 or 5 miserable homeschooled/cottage schooled girls who had memorized and were forced to recite a HUGE block of scripture--an entire book if I remember. The girls reciting were stressed to the max, black circles under their eyes like raccoons [or Duggar girls in the original tv specials].
Does homeschool work--YES when done WELL. Does homeschool damage--YES when done poorly. Can you control your kids 24/7/365 NO! Does public school work--YES when done well? Does public school damage--YES when done poorly. IS IT enough to just learn to read--NO not if no one ever discusses anything with you, or has you demonstrate what you learn or allows you to reach your own conclusions!!! Can a student recover academically--of course! Just like any person brave enough to enter an adult literacy program, GED program or even community college or open-admission University can recover. Can the scars of isolation be repaired? Not necessarily.
Sorry I'm in such a rambling frame of mind but this post moved me like a good therapy session would!!
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Post by humbletigger on Sept 9, 2010 14:54:22 GMT -5
God, I hate your mom. Yeah, yeah, I am not supposed to hate, I know. Yada, yada, yada. But I hate her anyway, and all those home school hypocrites leading support groups everywhere. A big Bronx salute to them all, I say! There is no excuse for the pathetic job your mother did, Chandra, both as a teacher and as a mom. Absolutely none. I could rant about this for hours. But I won't. I have a life to lead and not much time to devote to this post. BUT I will say this: YOU DESERVED BETTER! All children deserve better. ps No wonder the other moms didn't want us around! It probably made them feel like crap to be around my children who were getting a solid education. pps I congratulated a young family today for giving up home schooling and putting their oldest in first grade. They have five children under the age of six. It would be impossible to do a stellar job under those circumstances! I was proud that they had no problem admitting that and doing what was best for all of their kids. Thought you might like to know, Chandra, and be happy for this little girl who isn't going to get stuck in a bad situation. ;D
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Post by liltwinstar on Sept 9, 2010 16:30:30 GMT -5
Wow, this particular post really resonates with me. My mom wasn't educationally neglectful in our earlier years (it wasn't until high school that she started to get over her head, I think), but the sense of loneliness is all-too-familiar. I had my twin, of course, and she was and still is my best friend. But we were both lonely for other friends, and we didn't really have any. I remember once that we were about 8, we were playing outside, and a nice lady and her daughter and their dog came walking by. We got into a conversation with them - a nice, very neighborly conversation, nothing heavy. For weeks afterward, my sister and I rehearsed what we would say if we ever say the little girl again. We used to play "boarding school" where we'd pretend that we lived in a houseful of other girls (like in "The Little Princess") and we'd have our own imaginary outings with them and conversations and such. We did "socialize" with other (homeschooled) kids, but because my parents changed churches somewhat regularly and because we lived far away from the churches we did attend, it was nearly impossible to form friendships with those people. Because our parents were quite strict, we were sometimes viewed with suspicion by other kids - we didn't fit in. There were two girls we were "friends" with, but we were only friends because our mothers were. One girl was just generally unpleasant, and the other was just downright mean - slapping us, pinching, telling us how "uncool" we were, etc. Yet, these were our "friends." The one time I expressed my loneliness to my parents, my mom just prayed with me that God would "send me a friend" and then she bought me a jump rope to take to Bible Study and stuff so that I'd have something to do. Their hope was that the other kids (the ones I didn't really get along with in the first place) would see that I was having fun and ask to join in. It kind of worked for a week or two, then I went back to being ignored. I was probably lacking in social skills (probably still am, come to think of it!). I know that I was desperately, sadly lonely and starving for friendship outside my family. I'm so glad I had my twin, since I don't know what I would have done without her. But it was a very isolated life. Oh, and count me as another one who wasn't allowed to read Nancy Drew and the Babysitters' Club. It bummed me out for a while. But then I discovered bodice-ripping romance novels. We used to go to thrift stores a lot (in true homeschooler fashion!) and I'd sneak off to the book section where I'd read those until my mom came looking for me. So much for "pure" reading material, right?
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Post by stampinmama on Sept 9, 2010 17:54:23 GMT -5
I need to know what happens next!!!
I was 14 when my world fell apart, too, and I really identify with so much of what you've written.
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Post by lucrezaborgia on Sept 9, 2010 19:52:27 GMT -5
A few years back I worked for an after-school program at a park. We had two kids (brothers) who came way before anyone else did and were usually the last to leave. As time went on, I found out that they were homeschooled. This confused me at first, because there was a weekly play-group at the park every Wednesday for the neighborhood homeschoolers and these two kids were never a part of it. I guess I know now why! The parents of the brothers in the program I worked for went out of their way to socialize their children with their peers. The Wednesday homeschool group went out of their way to segregate their children from "normal" kids.
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Post by arietty on Sept 9, 2010 22:49:30 GMT -5
As a single Mom I was NEVER, EVER accepted into a Christian homeschool group even though I WAS and AM a devout Christian and I had adopted my kids. Never good enough. Happily I grew up with Church-hating parents and didn't see the need to worry about this! God loved me. Don't you know Hopewell as a single woman you might ENTICE the menz!! And where is your covering girl? Maybe if you talked about your dad a lot..
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Post by dangermom on Sept 9, 2010 23:20:03 GMT -5
I guess I know now why! The parents of the brothers in the program I worked for went out of their way to socialize their children with their peers. The Wednesday homeschool group went out of their way to segregate their children from "normal" kids. I'm not sure you do know that. You seem to be assuming that all homeschoolers are trying to keep their kids away from 'normal' kids, which is not true. Some do--IME largely the very fundamentalist ones that are being discussed here. Many do not.
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Post by krwordgazer on Sept 10, 2010 0:22:49 GMT -5
Such a painful story. I know that pain of having no friends too, though my circumstances were different. My heart goes out to that little girl you were!
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Post by humbletigger on Sept 10, 2010 7:48:05 GMT -5
@ arietty ROFLOL @ dangermom I don't see lucretia's words as an indictment of ALL home schoolers! She just pointed out that the two boys in her after-school program were home schooled- and hanging out with public schooled kids in the park every day after school.I thought she was pointing out the difference between isolationist home schoolers and er, let's call ourselves freedom home schoolers. Some home schoolers, like Chandra's mom, choose to home school to LIMIT their children's social world. Other home schoolers choose to home school because they want MORE opportunities to explore the world outside of the classroom. In my experience, it's no wonder the outside culture has a hard time telling the two apart. Isolationist home schoolers use the rhetoric of freedom home schoolers when they tout the benefits of home schooling. But they are lying hypocrites, as Chandra's experience shows. While claiming that they are teaching each child according to their bent and engaging in delight-directed learning, they are mostly just neglecting their children's intellect and joie de vivre. Apologies to all the home school moms out there who really wanted to give their children a quality education, but were hijacked by the QF movement and put in a no-win bind. I know you didn't choose to be deceived.
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Post by dangermom on Sept 10, 2010 10:20:28 GMT -5
@ arietty ROFLOL @ dangermom I don't see lucretia's words as an indictment of ALL home schoolers! She just pointed out that the two boys in her after-school program were home schooled- and hanging out with public schooled kids in the park every day after school.I thought she was pointing out the difference between isolationist home schoolers and er, let's call ourselves freedom home schoolers. My problem is with the assumption that the entire park group was isolationist, apparently without any evidence other than that of the two kids' membership in the after-school program. I can think of about 15 reasons why someone might put their kids in an after-school program without any reference whatsoever to other local homeschoolers.
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Post by lucrezaborgia on Sept 10, 2010 12:21:30 GMT -5
My problem is with the assumption that the entire park group was isolationist, apparently without any evidence other than that of the two kids' membership in the after-school program. I can think of about 15 reasons why someone might put their kids in an after-school program without any reference whatsoever to other local homeschoolers. The after-school program was in a city that was a square mile in size and I actually grew up in the area as well as being an assistant t-ball coach, so I know the neighborhood kids who come to the park pretty well. Absolutely none of the children that went to the homeschool play group on Wednesdays EVER interacted with any of the other local children or participated in any of the sports that the city park offered. None of the local children were friends with the homeschoolers except for the two that came to the park all the time. The parents who brought the kids to the park would always do so at a time when most of the local kids weren't around. That seems isolationist to me.
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Post by humbletigger on Sept 10, 2010 13:16:32 GMT -5
I agree with you Lucreza.
My son played community league football, YMCA basketball, both Y and community league soccer. Invariably he was the only home schooled player.
On the other hand, religious isolationist home schoolers started their own football league in my state, because they did not want their precious sons contaminated by the community league players. They join church league sports instead of community league or Y league teams. They very much want to be a world unto themselves.
When my son aged out of community league, he played in the home school league for one season. It was a disaster!
The coaching was earnest and devout-they had devotions every practice- but they couldn't play football for snot. Plus, although they gave the impression that cussing is the worst sin ever, they showed no hospitality, acceptance or generosity to anyone who did not fit their fundamentalist ilk. (Me and the Mormon mom can attest to this!) Their "holier than thou" attitude is censured strongly in the Bible. Finally, the blatant favoritism of the coached to their sons made for serious team disunity and dissatisfaction for most of the players.
Contrast that with community league, where vocabulary could be quite colorful, but the people were wonderful! The players accepted anyone who played with heart. The parents accepted anyone interested enough to attend practices and games! Racial and socio-economic boundaries ceased to exist on the football field at community league. It was a great experience.
So, yeah, avoiding people with different values, avoiding the parks when public schooled children might be present, that's pretty much the definition of isolationist. A lot of home schoolers live that way. Some support groups merely encourage it. Others require it.
When I started home schooling, parents actually were still encouraging each other to get their children involved in their community. We were concerned about social skills and learning to get along with the other people of our community.
I think it's sad that idea went out of fashion, at least in some circles.
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Post by dangermom on Sept 10, 2010 15:00:06 GMT -5
The after-school program was in a city that was a square mile in size ... That is a lot more information, thank you. The whole picture was not apparent before.
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Post by apprentice on Sept 12, 2010 8:45:06 GMT -5
This kind of made me laugh. As a kid I often used Barbies to act out very immodest and immoral story lines. Though, not being a man I didn't lust after the dolls themselves (sarcasm)... ;D Though in a way, I suppose she was sort of right about My Little Ponies and all that -- they can be magical, since you're able to use your imagination with them. And can't have that, clearly.
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Post by chbernat on Sept 13, 2010 7:43:10 GMT -5
You all have been so wonderful!
Thank you all so much for your lovely comments and words of support.
Like Vyckie, I get alot of people (mostly from my own family, extended family and church) that say I need to move on. And honestly I believe that I have. I don't particularly like recounting the painfulness of my childhood and I would like some days to just quit.
But then I read stories such as liltwinstar and Stampin Momma, or have such a support in HumbleTigger that it does nothing more than make me motivated for the children who are a part of the homeschooling world that isolates and abuses their kids. (not all of course do this!)
So thank you from the bottom of my heart. And the unsung voices thank you as well.
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Post by justflyingin on Sept 18, 2010 1:45:13 GMT -5
Thanks for writing up your story.
I'm so sorry for your sad childhood/schooling. The "unschooling" movement is a bit distressing to me and leaves people in the entire home school movement with a bad reputation.
I'm waiting, on one hand, I want to know what happened, but on the other, I'm not sure...
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