|
Post by Vyckie D. Garrison on Nov 12, 2009 17:16:09 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Vyckie D. Garrison on Nov 13, 2009 0:23:56 GMT -5
Tapati ~ I had a Grandma Velma too It is truly a challenge to tell these stories honestly without making those involved in our oppression and abuse seem like monsters. Thank you so much for the reminder of your mother's good qualities and I am so glad to know that you were able to reconcile and enjoy a closer relationship before she died. I really appreciate a quote from Brian McClaren which has helped me to articulate my own view of those whose poor choices negatively impact our lives: We are all people in a predicament. What that says to me is that we need to recognize their humanity ~ and that doesn't excuse or justify the abuse, but it does somewhat mitigate the pain if we can understand the circumstances which influenced their choices ~ this is something which really helps me to keep from growing bitter. Beautiful post, Tapati. Thank you.
|
|
|
Post by tapati on Nov 13, 2009 3:03:43 GMT -5
Tapati ~ I had a Grandma Velma too It is truly a challenge to tell these stories honestly without making those involved in our oppression and abuse seem like monsters. Thank you so much for the reminder of your mother's good qualities and I am so glad to know that you were able to reconcile and enjoy a closer relationship before she died. I really appreciate a quote from Brian McClaren which has helped me to articulate my own view of those whose poor choices negatively impact our lives: We are all people in a predicament. What that says to me is that we need to recognize their humanity ~ and that doesn't excuse or justify the abuse, but it does somewhat mitigate the pain if we can understand the circumstances which influenced their choices ~ this is something which really helps me to keep from growing bitter. Beautiful post, Tapati. Thank you. You're welcome. I just want to be fair. Although I don't agree with his politics at all, I remember the spirit of Orson Scott Card's book Speaker for the Dead. The main character, Ender, researches people's lives by getting to know their loved ones and their community and then speaks the truth of their lives, the good and the bad, revealing their humanity and providing closure. I remembered thinking that it was better to do so than to form a two dimensional all-good or all-bad image of them. I can't really condemn anyone because I, in turn, have caused pain to others when I acted out of my own dysfunction and pathology. All any of us can do is take responsibility and make amends wherever possible without causing further harm.
|
|
|
Post by rosa on Nov 13, 2009 16:28:10 GMT -5
I think when we just condemn our ancestors, we lose the chance to really learn from our family stories, too.
Also, your granddaughter looks so much like your grandma & your mom! It's cute.
|
|
|
Post by tapati on Nov 13, 2009 17:00:33 GMT -5
I think when we just condemn our ancestors, we lose the chance to really learn from our family stories, too. Also, your granddaughter looks so much like your grandma & your mom! It's cute. She is adorable, isn't she? Yes, we should learn from them. I mean, if someone is completely toxic by all means protect yourself in the present. There are people who just continue to be abusive and must be avoided. But you can, from a safe distance, learn and have compassion for how hateful their own upbringing must have been.
|
|
|
Post by krwordgazer on Nov 13, 2009 23:42:17 GMT -5
It was a beautiful post, Tapati. I feel honored that you are sharing so much of yourself and your history with us.
|
|
|
Post by mamabinwa on Nov 13, 2009 23:55:42 GMT -5
Hi Tapati,
I'm usually a lurker, but this one has brought me out. I was reading your post, and my husband was sitting with me, and when he saw your five generation photo he made me stop. The eldest of the women looks remarkably like his grandmother, so much so that I thought I would ask, any Fairbanks' in your family? If not, the resemblance is striking. Also- beautiful post.
MamaBinWA
|
|
|
Post by jadehawk on Nov 14, 2009 0:01:15 GMT -5
that was a very deep and touching post. I'm also glad that you could reconcile with your mother
I think it's VERY important to remember that in most cases*, the people who harm us are still PEOPLE. They're not human-shaped clumps of vice, out to get us, but humans, with human feelings and human thoughts. Of course it's important to be selfish and protect oneself when being in direct danger, but once you're safe, it's important to understand what caused people to hurt you, if only to help bring about change so that others aren't turned to hurting others. Lashing out in revenge doesn't solve the problem; caricaturing people and writing them off as bad doesn't solve the problem; but willingness to look for the root of a problem can be the first step to an effective solution :-)
|
|
|
Post by tapati on Nov 14, 2009 0:34:35 GMT -5
It was a beautiful post, Tapati. I feel honored that you are sharing so much of yourself and your history with us. Thank you! I am glad that people can find something of value in my story.
|
|
|
Post by tapati on Nov 14, 2009 0:37:01 GMT -5
Hi Tapati, I'm usually a lurker, but this one has brought me out. I was reading your post, and my husband was sitting with me, and when he saw your five generation photo he made me stop. The eldest of the women looks remarkably like his grandmother, so much so that I thought I would ask, any Fairbanks' in your family? If not, the resemblance is striking. Also- beautiful post. MamaBinWA Thank you! None that I know of, her maiden name was Paris and she was born and raised in Downing, MO. I have her family tree a few generations back on one side and many on another. Her heritage was Irish and English so far as I know, so maybe it's an ethnic thing rather than a direct ancestor?
|
|
|
Post by tapati on Nov 14, 2009 0:38:41 GMT -5
that was a very deep and touching post. I'm also glad that you could reconcile with your mother I think it's VERY important to remember that in most cases*, the people who harm us are still PEOPLE. They're not human-shaped clumps of vice, out to get us, but humans, with human feelings and human thoughts. Of course it's important to be selfish and protect oneself when being in direct danger, but once you're safe, it's important to understand what caused people to hurt you, if only to help bring about change so that others aren't turned to hurting others. Lashing out in revenge doesn't solve the problem; caricaturing people and writing them off as bad doesn't solve the problem; but willingness to look for the root of a problem can be the first step to an effective solution :-) Thank you, I agree. If we don't understand our family dynamics how can we heal them in the future? Our grandparents and great-grandparents didn't have access to therapy and self help books. They did what they were taught by their families and muddled through as best they could.
|
|