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Post by Vyckie D. Garrison on Jul 6, 2009 20:47:09 GMT -5
I actually think this tip "look for opportunities to disprove her idea that you (as a non-QFer) are not truly happy or fulfilled" is a very good one. And I totally failed in this area. ...She is "always" happy, I am definitely not and I go right through the pain (not pleasant for me (or for others). and that's obvious to everyone. But when I'm happy again I am truly happy again). I don't believe in a higher power. I don't feel there's a "meaning of life". And sometimes, often. I am afraid. I just live, and doubt and struggle, and enjoy and admire, and love, a lot. What about my life could ever be appealing to my friend? Castor ~ when I read your words here, I thought to myself ~ what a gift and a wonderful example ~ to just be free to FEEL whatever ~ not always happy, cheerful and positive ~ but just WHATEVER feelings you have. The full range of emotions is something that I never could feel as a QFer ~ even when things were totally screwed up and I was at the end of my rope, I would not allow myself to believe that I was anything less than very happy. "My joy is in Christ ~ whether or not I am happy does not depend on my circumstances." Ugh. To be unhappy would mean that I was looking to others, to the world, to circumstances for happiness rather than having my joy in the Lord. So ~ I could not be unhappy because that would mean that I was not right with God. Now that I am no longer quivering ~ I can be pissed off if the circumstances call for that. I can REACT to my circumstances and to others whose choices affect my life ~ anger, hurt ~ heck, I can even get down and be depressed, though so far, I have not been able to stay down for long because now that I'm not carrying around a load of stress from dealing all day, every day with an impossible man ~ whatever life and people dish out to me these days just seems mild by comparison. The thing about it is ~ not only do I get to feel all those negative emotions which I could not acknowledge as a QF woman ~ but now, when I am happy (which is much of the time) ~ I AM REALLY HAPPY. Not because I HAVE to be ~ just because I actually am happy. It's hard to express this in words ~ but I'm really loving the opportunity to FEEL. I was so sure that I could never be happy apart from Christ ~ but here I am ~ definitely separated from God and Jesus and the bible ~ and it is only now that I actually know what it means to be happy. Before, my happiness was a choice ~ now it's just the way I feel and I can tell you that the feelings that come naturally are a whole lot more enjoyable and satisfying than anything I ever decided to feel.
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Post by hopewell on Jul 7, 2009 8:33:55 GMT -5
This is very, very interesting. I remember visiting my friend when she had only 2 kids, but was praying for more [she left after 4]. She was frantic the whole time--I knew her "when" in PUBLIC high school, when she wore jeans, but still attended the most conservative church in town. I helped talk her out of going to Bob Jones U in favor of a nearby Christian College that wasn't THAT conservative. She was constantly correcting her perfectly normal 3 and 1 year old saying "remember, you must obey Mommy" and she'd take them straight to an engraved plaque of the 10 Commandments to show them HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER..... Her husband, a doctor, would show up at any time day or night [to be fair this wasn't his fault--he was in the ER and couldn't leave on time a lot] he would bring home drug addicts and others who weren't saved and expect a dinner to appear on the table to show "hospitality." When she was nursing, she'd have to take both little girls to a bedroom and eat there [understandable if it was a man!!] I've never gotten over how "jumpy" she was all the time. It was an eye-opening experience for me. She talked about her husband like he was a God and "idolatry" went thru my mind throughout the experience. Her husband spoke to her kindly, but like she was a child. She was 1st in her high school class and a National Merit Semi-finalist!! On another visit a family from their "home church" came. They were so poor---living in a total dive and he was doing home repair work. They were worried--they only had his old work pick up and were driving illegally with 4 kids [babies, toddlers] in the front and no way to buy a minivan. I wish I could have known them better--and wish I could have done as you suggested. I can't imagine what they must have eaten. This is such an overwhelming experience if you have not grown up in it.
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Post by AustinAvery on Jul 7, 2009 16:32:50 GMT -5
My problem is basically that I can show her only one non-fundamentalist lifestyle, and that I'm afraid it's a lifestyle that's absolutely unappealing to her. She and I, we are so different. I ask question after question after question, and freak out when there are too many answers, she seeks answer after answer after answer and freaks out when there are too many questions. She is "always" happy, I am definitely not and I go right through the pain (not pleasant for me (or for others). and that's obvious to everyone. But when I'm happy again I am truly happy again). I don't believe in a higher power. I don't feel there's a "meaning of life". And sometimes, often. I am afraid. I just live, and doubt and struggle, and enjoy and admire, and love, a lot. What about my life could ever be appealing to my friend? Sorry for adding this so late in the thread, but I find your musing deeply interesting, and they make me think. And that is very appealing. There have been many times in my past when observations entered my consciousness but because I was not ready to really absorb them, they got filed away in some recess of my mind. And then, years later, they would pop out unexpectedly when they bore on some large impending change or on-going drama in my life (if I believed in God, I'd assume s/he was telling me something). I wonder what those thoughts were doing in my subconscious all those years mulling around. Perhaps there is a vision of you mulling around in the recesses of your friend's mind right now. A vision of someone who is pensive and often ambivalent, yet who takes an almost paradoxical pleasure from the process of seeking--not needing to know. Perhaps you're doing quite a bit for your friend and don't know it. Let's hope so anyway.
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