Hi from Denver, CO ... FormerlyMaBunny

[nolongermabunny]

I'm not even sure where to start. I'm the mother, happily single, mother of 10 beautiful children. The children I DON'T regret. The marriage, staying through all the abuse and the religion (fundamental Christianity/Quiverful) I do.

Remarkably I found this forum when trying to find out if others were scared going to their first session of EMDR. I never admitted to myself the abuse that I experienced or "self-inflicted" by living my Quiverful years. Oh I had more than an inkling about what the kids went through.

I'm glad to have found this forum and would like to share more about my life. And would really LOVE to talk to other former quiverfuls, but those who have also found God/Christianity to be part of the problem.

Diana (FormerlyMaBunny)

[Vyckie D. Garrison]

Diana ~ do I know you? "Mabunny" sounds so familiar ~ I'm sure you must have been on one or more the QF discussion lists I followed. (MOMYS? QF Digest?)

What an incredible hell you've been through I am so glad you've found No Longer Quivering ~ you will find that we are an understanding and supportive bunch and I really am looking forward to having you here, healing along with us.

I started doing EMDR this summer with my counselor. I didn't want to do it when my kids were around because I was afraid it would be seriously triggering and turn me into a psycho-mom ~ but it was not actually scary at all and it does help with the PTSD and processing emotions/memories/etc.

You have definitely come to the right place to talk about QF being a set up for abuse. I know that my dysfunctional childhood set me up to "get saved" and take Christianity to the extreme ~ and that extreme fundamentalism ~ the whole mindset makes abuse (even self-inflicted abuse) seem good and right and holy.

You'll find this article interesting: articles.exchristian.net/2009/07/god-of-abuse.html

I'm looking forward to getting to know you better ~ or maybe I should say, getting reacquainted ~ since I'm pretty sure that I know you from my QF days.

As our Take Heart Project motto says: Welcome Out!

[nolongermabunny]

Hi Vyckie,

Thanks for the warm welcome. My hard drive (unbacked up of course) died this morning. First one I've ever had do that.

We probably do know each other from Quiver Full Digest, on AOL. Trying to remember what MOMYS, what did it stand for?

The EMDR therapist is new to me, I was so terrified I guess is the word for it. Think the sleep deficit from the continous nightmares had also taken it's toll. They prescribed prazoin for the nightmares, suppose to be very effective, I had asked if they would. The therapist wants me to go to trauma class to gain skills and have my anxiety level go down a bit before we get started, likely a good idea.

Spent the day out with my oldest daughter, was very very nice... lol and even therapeutic, we ate and had some wine and desert and talked for hours. Was probably the most honest we'd both been about the whole situation. Reading bits of this site helped me apologize and express my feelings more deeply with her than I had previously. Was always a topic we all wanted to avoid. I had apologized before, but we just spoke more deeply about the abuse and dysfunction.

The site brought up alot of memories I'd repressed/forgotten, names were triggers, and I think it helped to see I wasn't the only intelligent female/loving mother who was involved in this and helped perpetuate it to her children. When you try to explain it to anyone they just look at you as if you have three heads. Guess I'm in good company here... thanks for making me feel and and normal on this account... and yes my abusive childhood I believe was also a set up for me on this account.

BTW, the article and website you suggested were great. Thanks so much!

Diana (my married name was Diane Maliszewski for those wondering) I used to go by MaBunny online and was a big promoter, which I now deeply regret, of the Full Quiver lifestyle.

[freefromtyranny]

Welcome to NLQ. It's so nice to see you here. I have many regrets as well and spend a fair amount of time apologizing to my kids. We are free from tyranny for over a year now and getting healthier everyday.