Post by semperstarla on Oct 19, 2010 10:09:46 GMT -5
I dont know where to start, really. I am 22, married for 5 years. I have one son, who is 2. I was homeschooled for a few years in highschool, when my mother joined a catholic group of women, who I cant even really describe to people who havent met that type of group before.
Long hair, broods of children, condemning even NFP as a "dispensation for the weak". Avid readers of the pearls and of attachment parenting philosophies. The daughters, who I made friends with could cook large impressive meals, bake bread by hand, change cloth diapers (with pins!), and got together to discuss Jane Austen and compare large american girl doll collections.
No one discussed sex or boys, or dating even though we were all in our late teens. Courtship was a big topic.
I feel torn as I talk about this. I got married young, (not in a church wedding), and vowed that birth control wouldnt have a place in my marriage, even though we had plenty of premarital sex. (and used artificial birth control).
We used NFP for years, to both conceive and avoid, and followed very strict (think mary pride's rules) guidelines for what could be done in the bedroom. We regularily went to confession for grevious sins such as mastrabating, or preforming oral sex to completion.
I tried to be the best catholic I could be. But my world was falling all around me. My husband (an iraq war vet) started really struggle with PTSD, I was (am) mother to a very sensitve colicky baby, prone to ear infections and almost a constant screamer. I was worn out on all fronts.
My husband then dropped the bombshell on me that he could not attend mass anymore. He felt too guilty, too many rules he could never live up to, never really worthy to accept communion.
Sigh.
Around this time I made a QF friend, with an immaculate home, out in the country, with 6 well behaved children and a loving patriarch husband. She was shocked that I had never heard any of the godly men that had made such an impact in her life, on her family.
Voddie bauchum, Doug Phillips, the pearls, the botkins. She asked me if my husband had a vision for my family? And was I helping him with it? I said we always wanted a loud boisterious family full of kids. But with my husband's illness, and decreased earning potential, I am being forced to reconsider.
She gave me books, so many books to read. And I did. So much more, by the botkin girls, Rasing kids to do hard things, created to be his helpmeet by debi pearl, raising godly children by the ezzos.
As an attached parent, I knew those prinicipals of parenting just werent for us. But I could see the way she looked at my then baby son, as a sinner, a manipulator of my time and energy. Shamefully, after reading those books I felt like that too at times.
How could any of that stuff work for us? As the wife of a mentally ill husband, how could I allow him to take the reins of our family? How could we possibly have another child when my husband made less than 15,000 per year? Why could I just "trust god"?
I flirted hardcore with quiverful, patriarchy, headcovering, and skirts only. I could never make the full jump though. And I was wracked with guilt about it.
Anyways this is turning into a novel. So I will just tell you where I am now.
I got on this blog through Emily's old and now defunct blog. (under 1000 per month if anyone here also read it) and NLQ just blew me away.
I spent hours reading the stories and series. There was so much I could relate to.
My husband now is getting excellent care at the VA hospital. The meds, and therapy have made a tremendous impact on him, more than prayer ever did.
My game plan is to avoid burn out like the plague. I keep the plates spinning, and like it or not, my home is a matriarchy. My husband never felt comfortable being the leader anyway, he confides. Avoiding burnout means I use daycare a few hours a week to get shopping and housework done. Sometimes we eat cocopuffs for dinner, and I rest in the fact that I am human.
As for faith, I cant say I am catholic, pro-life, or anti-contraception anymore. I have always believed in Gay rights...something I tried not to think about as a catholic. Now, I attend a disciples of christ church (or as they like to be called a "christian church"). To learn a few bible stories, and for my kid to have an opportunity to meet and play with other kids. I am not looking for a purest, truest expression of faith anymore. I want to learn about grace. I want to learn about forgiveness. I dont know if I am an athiest, maybe.
I dont have it all figured out yet. I do sometimes feel like maybe I am in the wrong, and I was right before when all my lifes answers could be found in the catechism. Maybe I should be tithing, spanking my kid, wearing a head covering, and forsaking my love of Lady GaGa and Kesha.
But I am happy now. I feel like I can take a full breath, and not worry about the final tally of my sin when I die. If god exists, and is truly like a parent, Then I hope when I pass away he embraces me, kisses me on the forhead, and says welcome home.
Long hair, broods of children, condemning even NFP as a "dispensation for the weak". Avid readers of the pearls and of attachment parenting philosophies. The daughters, who I made friends with could cook large impressive meals, bake bread by hand, change cloth diapers (with pins!), and got together to discuss Jane Austen and compare large american girl doll collections.
No one discussed sex or boys, or dating even though we were all in our late teens. Courtship was a big topic.
I feel torn as I talk about this. I got married young, (not in a church wedding), and vowed that birth control wouldnt have a place in my marriage, even though we had plenty of premarital sex. (and used artificial birth control).
We used NFP for years, to both conceive and avoid, and followed very strict (think mary pride's rules) guidelines for what could be done in the bedroom. We regularily went to confession for grevious sins such as mastrabating, or preforming oral sex to completion.
I tried to be the best catholic I could be. But my world was falling all around me. My husband (an iraq war vet) started really struggle with PTSD, I was (am) mother to a very sensitve colicky baby, prone to ear infections and almost a constant screamer. I was worn out on all fronts.
My husband then dropped the bombshell on me that he could not attend mass anymore. He felt too guilty, too many rules he could never live up to, never really worthy to accept communion.
Sigh.
Around this time I made a QF friend, with an immaculate home, out in the country, with 6 well behaved children and a loving patriarch husband. She was shocked that I had never heard any of the godly men that had made such an impact in her life, on her family.
Voddie bauchum, Doug Phillips, the pearls, the botkins. She asked me if my husband had a vision for my family? And was I helping him with it? I said we always wanted a loud boisterious family full of kids. But with my husband's illness, and decreased earning potential, I am being forced to reconsider.
She gave me books, so many books to read. And I did. So much more, by the botkin girls, Rasing kids to do hard things, created to be his helpmeet by debi pearl, raising godly children by the ezzos.
As an attached parent, I knew those prinicipals of parenting just werent for us. But I could see the way she looked at my then baby son, as a sinner, a manipulator of my time and energy. Shamefully, after reading those books I felt like that too at times.
How could any of that stuff work for us? As the wife of a mentally ill husband, how could I allow him to take the reins of our family? How could we possibly have another child when my husband made less than 15,000 per year? Why could I just "trust god"?
I flirted hardcore with quiverful, patriarchy, headcovering, and skirts only. I could never make the full jump though. And I was wracked with guilt about it.
Anyways this is turning into a novel. So I will just tell you where I am now.
I got on this blog through Emily's old and now defunct blog. (under 1000 per month if anyone here also read it) and NLQ just blew me away.
I spent hours reading the stories and series. There was so much I could relate to.My husband now is getting excellent care at the VA hospital. The meds, and therapy have made a tremendous impact on him, more than prayer ever did.
My game plan is to avoid burn out like the plague. I keep the plates spinning, and like it or not, my home is a matriarchy. My husband never felt comfortable being the leader anyway, he confides. Avoiding burnout means I use daycare a few hours a week to get shopping and housework done. Sometimes we eat cocopuffs for dinner, and I rest in the fact that I am human.
As for faith, I cant say I am catholic, pro-life, or anti-contraception anymore. I have always believed in Gay rights...something I tried not to think about as a catholic. Now, I attend a disciples of christ church (or as they like to be called a "christian church"). To learn a few bible stories, and for my kid to have an opportunity to meet and play with other kids. I am not looking for a purest, truest expression of faith anymore. I want to learn about grace. I want to learn about forgiveness. I dont know if I am an athiest, maybe.
I dont have it all figured out yet. I do sometimes feel like maybe I am in the wrong, and I was right before when all my lifes answers could be found in the catechism. Maybe I should be tithing, spanking my kid, wearing a head covering, and forsaking my love of Lady GaGa and Kesha.
But I am happy now. I feel like I can take a full breath, and not worry about the final tally of my sin when I die. If god exists, and is truly like a parent, Then I hope when I pass away he embraces me, kisses me on the forhead, and says welcome home.
and my feminism/lack of submission. If only I trusted God more she said, if only I was truly saved.