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Post by sargassosea on Nov 4, 2009 7:17:41 GMT -5
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Post by grandmalou on Nov 4, 2009 7:46:18 GMT -5
Oh, Angel! How heartbreaking! How utterly hideous that he constantly whisked all of you away from the very people who might have been able to help! We see your heart of love, Ange Girl! We see what a beautiful young woman you have become... Thank you for sharing your pain with us, even if it is a lot of years later. Now let the healing begin, knowing that you are among people who love you. And appreciate you!
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Post by whatkindofwoman on Nov 4, 2009 9:48:57 GMT -5
Angel...
I share a little bit of this head-twisting-by-parent aspect with you. My parents divorced when I was seven, and for all my remaining childhood years, my mother attempted to cut my heart off from my father (who loved me) using the same abusive methods that your stepdad used to cut your heart off from those families. ("angrily pointing out all the flaws" with my father--how dare I speak of "loving" such a person?)
To cope (this was only one slice of life) I took on different characters, as you did. (I imagine you were very skilled at this). I experienced the heart-ache that you write of, longing for loving approval. It's an actual ache. I also remember "cleaning and cooking in an attempt to please my (mom) so she'd be in a decent mood", whenever I had a chance for some kind of get-away respite. And I also finally hinted at abuse to caring friends and adults...but...quickly covered it up.
So, in writing this, I risk appearing as if I want to turn your story around into a chance to air my own wounds. That's not my purpose.
During my teens (and then my 20s), I knew that my head was all twisted around in a particular way--and I really felt singular, and peculiar, and alone, and deviant, and...just very different from other women. This was painful. What has helped me a lot, is meeting and reading accounts of people who went through similar abusive situations in their formative years of life. I find that the "twisted" things about myself are...for lack of a better word, "normal" coping mechanisms, of "normal" bright and passionate people.
For example, you took on different "characters" to cope. That's not "weird"! You're not weird for doing that. What you did was a sign of strength, creativity, and intelligence. You did a good and fine job dealing with your circumstances with the mental resources that you had. What I want you to know is that you're not the only one. You're not some freak, if you feel that way. You're very human, and "fearfully and wonderfully made". You were not some different Angel then, some different person--you were actually the same brilliant, passionate, and creative Angel that you are today. You coped.
I kept a journal during my teen years. I didn't have any kind of camcorder to record my life, so I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. (in hiding, by dim light) Why? To have a witness. This stuff needed to be recorded, and witnessed--somehow.
I wonder if you feel the same way--that this singular, dark hole of your childhood years needs to be recorded, and witnessed--brought outside of you, (where I imagine it's burdensome), and into the light.
Anyway, I hope this helps in some way. Just to know that some details of your hidden hell are...understood in an inner way by some others, and that by writing about your experience, you are helpful to others who have experienced hidden hell...and maybe those others can help you too...not to feel so singular and alone and weird.
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Post by grandmalou on Nov 4, 2009 9:59:28 GMT -5
Whatkindof woman, so BEAUTIFULLY said! Thank you for this post...there are a whole boatload of women...young, old, and in between here and on other forums that SO NEED to HEAR what you just said!
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Post by whatkindofwoman on Nov 4, 2009 10:07:22 GMT -5
I just wanted to add... I don't mean, Angel, that you're "not the only one" who experienced exactly what you experienced. Obviously, in that sense, yes--you are the only one. But the coping mechanisms you employed--those might make you feel like a "different" breed of person--and in those, you are not the only one. You're not a different breed. You're a beautiful breed, actually.
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Post by xara on Nov 4, 2009 10:56:21 GMT -5
*Hugs*
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em
Full Member
Posts: 176
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Post by em on Nov 4, 2009 12:44:18 GMT -5
Aw, poor Angel. It's just heartbreaking. I'm so glad you're out of that horrible situation and starting to feel better.
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