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Post by km on Nov 3, 2009 7:44:23 GMT -5
Don't worry KM, I live on the internet and I have a very thick skin when it comes to online interactions though I know this is not so for many people. Thanks for your post though because it clarified a frustration I have.. which is precisely what you described, getting horrified reactions to what is just one tiny piece of my life story. I have felt a few times like I'm justifying putting up with something as though that were my peak abusive experience when in fact it's just one element and not the big picture at all. I know all this crap was bad but if I had to have folks reeling in horror at each element it makes me feel like quite an idiot LOL! Oh no no no, I never thought that for a bit. It occurs to me that *most* people probably don't know what sexual assault is apart from rape because we don't talk about it and it's not commonly known. Throw in a patriarchal religion in which it's taboo for women to talk about these things at all, and we don't have a chance. I guess I worried that what you said might sound trivializing of others' experiences, and I didn't want others to feel bad for naming this as sexual assault. That is, I didn't want that to be invalidated. But in the process, I stuck my foot in my mouth and went overboard with it. I don't think you're an idiot at all--I've often thought that the things you say here make a hell of a lot of sense and sound very wise ("Wise" I know can be a trigger word, and to be clear, I don't mean it in the Gothard way. I just mean I usually read your comments and think, "This person makes a whole lot of sense, and it sounds like that comes from personal experience."). So, I said what I said trying to be in solidarity, but I ended up making it all about my response/reaction, when it shouldn't be about that at all. It's your story and your experience, and I apologize for railroading it that way.
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Post by rosa on Nov 3, 2009 9:50:39 GMT -5
Liss at Shakesville calls that "the horrible bargains we make" - because this shit infects everything to some extent. You pick your battles, depending on yourself and your situation.
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Post by redheadedskeptic on Nov 3, 2009 10:37:10 GMT -5
Yes... Like arrietty's husband, mine used things like the above (grabs without checking on the other person's body language, or even being ABLE to check on their body language) to comment on my *own* sexual problems. That my reaction proved I had problems, because I wasn't comfortable with his grabs. That I wasn't being forgiving or gracious, because it bothered me. That I was a prude, because it bothered me... Which, in turn, got me all confused. Instead of it being simply about the issue, my head got all spinned around and soon I was defending *my* actions, not his, and soon it was somehow my fault, my issues... "Am I a prude? I didn't used to be a prude, ever...but am I one now? Oh no..." His manipulation worked so well, because I had NO clue, and not one suspicion, that there was any manipulation at all. I thought we were both operating on the same page: wanting a healthy, happy marriage. It took me a long long long time to realize that we did not have that as a common goal. Me, too.
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em
Full Member
Posts: 176
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Post by em on Nov 3, 2009 10:58:23 GMT -5
Out of curiosity, if you guys don't mind, but how do you feel about relationships now after having to deal with this? Cuz I'm often pretty uncomfortable when I get attention from guys now. Not all the time, but most of the time there's just something about the guy that totally rubs me the wrong way even though I think it's just me being paranoid.
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Post by journey on Nov 3, 2009 12:14:22 GMT -5
redheaded, I wanted to say that I've really been enjoying your blog...
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Post by journey on Nov 3, 2009 12:17:47 GMT -5
em I am fine in friend relationships with men and have lots of them. As for a romantic relationship, I haven't since I was married. Honestly, I have no plans to look for that. I have a hard time even imagining it. I think a lot more time is needed, for me, before I am ready to even "consider considering" it.
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Post by journey on Nov 3, 2009 12:18:39 GMT -5
rosa, that is such an applicable (sadly sadly applicable) quote.
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Post by xara on Nov 3, 2009 12:41:02 GMT -5
And it doesn't at all shock me that there are men out there who feel sexually entitled irrespective of religion (I don't think QF helps things, but I also know that sexism extends far beyond QF, as does the tradition of "marriage as property contract."). And this is one of the main reasons I have refused to get married. That and some really stupid laws that are still on the books.
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Post by redheadedskeptic on Nov 3, 2009 14:43:47 GMT -5
Out of curiosity, if you guys don't mind, but how do you feel about relationships now after having to deal with this? Cuz I'm often pretty uncomfortable when I get attention from guys now. Not all the time, but most of the time there's just something about the guy that totally rubs me the wrong way even though I think it's just me being paranoid. I don't know if you meant me in there, but I am going to answer anyways because it's relevant! I have a hard time knowing what "normal" is now. I have tried therapy, but since I'd had counseling classes, I already knew all the "answers," and the truth is that there are no answers. My husband right now is SO patient. I don't deserve him as nuts as I am, especially about stuff in the bedroom. Since I bought the whole "abstinence" thing the first time around, I was sexually trained in a very abnormal environment. Even though I've been with my current husband for over 2 years now, I still struggle. And at first, I had a VERY, VERY difficult time trusting him when he was gone. Things in that area have improved much with time, but I still find myself paranoid that he is telling me one thing and doing another just like what happened last time.
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Post by redheadedskeptic on Nov 3, 2009 14:45:33 GMT -5
redheaded, I wanted to say that I've really been enjoying your blog... thanks. It's why I write it--to find some common ground with other women.
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Post by rosa on Nov 3, 2009 15:25:09 GMT -5
It is an awesome blog. I am getting to have a whole folder of awesome former Christian woman bloggers (and still Christian, like adventuresinmercy).
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Post by redheadedskeptic on Nov 3, 2009 15:42:32 GMT -5
what all do you have? I haven't found very many, which is why I started mine to begin with. I didn't NLQ until about 6 months ago, give or take.
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Post by rosa on Nov 3, 2009 16:30:36 GMT -5
Yours, this one, adventuresinmercy.wordpress.com, stuffchristianculturelikes.com, transgriot.blogspot.com, feministmormonhousewives.org And then, religious but not Christian - hedonist.progressiveislam.org www.frumsatire.net/ - some of the linked blogs are amazing women, the frumsatire blogger, Heshy, is a guy and not very progressive, but funny. And educational, at least for me. And then the QFer bloggers and there's this blog called Texas Polygamy that I only understand half of but the little glimpses into FLDS and ex-FLDS people's lives are fascinating. I felt like we had a thread about this at one point, but when I looked I couldn't find it.
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