Hello from InMyNextLife

[InMyNextLife]

Hi everyone! I am a mom of five kids, living in a small-ish town in the south. I was never fully "QF," but definitely large-family oriented. For most of my married life (21 years), my husband ("Scott in AL" on this board) and I were of a patriarchal mindset, even though that didn't really fit with our personalities. My husband is NOT a controlling person, and frankly it was probably harder for him than for me to try to fit ourselves into that family image. We were heavily involved in Gary Ezzo's business, which he likes to call a ministry, Growing Families International (Growing Kids God's Way, Babywise, Prep for Parenting, etc.) for many years. We have been in the PCA for most of our married lives.

My husband and I both have left the PCA, left our view of women and men, and as I overturned that one stone, I'm finding myself in the middle of a rockslide. I never intended to lose my faith, but I feel like I am being pulled in that direction. It is hard in my town - I run into people all the time from my old church. That is awkward enough, but even more frustrating is the constant question, "Where are you attending church now?" When I answered that we were still looking or that we were mostly attending an Episcopal church, I got puzzled looks. But now, if I say, "nowhere..." well, that just doesn't fly in a small southern town!

I am enjoying this board, and reading about your experiences makes me feel less alone in all of this. I have also started blogging about my experience. I had a blog before, but too many local people read it, and I'm not comfortable sharing my faith-journey with them at this point, so I am now blogging my faith-journey at me-inmynextlife.blogspot.com/

Thanks for letting me introduce myself!

[becky]

Welcome.

[xara]

Hello and welcome.

[WanderingOne]

Hi and welcome! I look forward to reading more about your journey.

[becky]

Hey - welcome:)
I just went over to read your blog, and really enjoyed it. I don't know if the comment I left went through, but I'm looking forward to reading more!
Unfortunately, I think you have a virus of some sort - it sent me to a bunch of ad sites and crazy things if I didn't immediately press "stop" after it loaded enough to read.

[Vyckie D. Garrison]

Hello, inmynextlife ~ I'm a bit late in welcoming you to NLQ ~ sorry!

Given the current attention which the QF child trainers are receiving since the death of Lydia Shatz ~ I'm hoping you'll be willing to share more with us about your experiences with Gary Ezzo's Growing Kids God's Way.

I knew a QF mom who followed Ezzo very strictly ~ about the same time that I started attending LLL meetings and learning about attachment parenting. She did the eat, wake, sleep schedule with her newborn ~ and her other kids were robotic in their obedience ~ I remember thinking that her interactions with her kids was eerily similar to what I'd read about Pavlov and his dogs. Ugh.

The contrast between Ezzo and Sears was such an eye-opener ~ and the thought that finally went through my head was, "Why is obedience so important?" In QF families (and I think in Evangelical families in general), instant joyous obedience is highly valued. A kid who responds to his father's commands with a cheerful, "Yes Sir!" is something to be admired and envied.

Seeing this gal's little robotic children was what really pushed me towards attachment parenting ~ made me want to be the mom of *people* ~ not machines or well-trained dogs.

[Ex-Adriel]

"Why is obedience so important?" In QF families (and I think in Evangelical families in general), instant joyous obedience is highly valued. A kid who responds to his father's commands with a cheerful, "Yes Sir!" is something to be admired and envied.

Yes! WHYYYY?!!!

I want to know why! I WAS one of those kids, and I still don't understand what the big deal is with this part of fundamentalist patriarchy!

Please point me to a blog post or something explaining what these people are thinking? I want to understand - I understand most of the (twisted) reasoning behind all the other ideas and teachings.

But this one thing I don't understand. Why is it such a big deal to them :
- no, we don't have 'teenagers' - our family grows in the Lord
- to have a child you can trust to stand in front of strangers and dutifully and cheerfully spout whatever it was you want her to say, and even use intelligent thought to defend YOUR ideas as if they are the child's own ideas.
- to have older children who honestly think their DUTY as a sibling is to raise their younger sibs in God's image while the mother recovers from pregnancy or exhaustion ...

What IS that?

[Hillary]

Welcom, InMyNextLife!!! I look forward to visiting your blog.

Ex-Adriel ~ do I know!! Boy, do I know. Blessings to you.

[krwordgazer]

Apr 10, 2010 10:06:29 GMT -5 Ex-Adriel said:

But this one thing I don't understand. Why is it such a big deal to them :
- no, we don't have 'teenagers' - our family grows in the Lord
- to have a child you can trust to stand in front of strangers and dutifully and cheerfully spout whatever it was you want her to say, and even use intelligent thought to defend YOUR ideas as if they are the child's own ideas.
- to have older children who honestly think their DUTY as a sibling is to raise their younger sibs in God's image while the mother recovers from pregnancy or exhaustion ...

What IS that?

I think this is what it is, or something very like it:

"Woe to you Pharisees, because you love the most important seats in the synagogues and greetings in the marketplaces!"

It's all about the children's primary function being to bring honor and importance to their parents in the eyes of others. Children are not people in themselves; they are only "arrows," the number and sharpness of which is to be admired for the prestige it gives their parents.

I'm glad you're here, InMyNextLife and Ex-Adriel. So glad you got away from that disgustingness.