|
Post by jael on Oct 7, 2010 8:21:27 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by journey on Oct 7, 2010 11:15:35 GMT -5
I love how you talk about bearing the burden of his happiness. YES. It was a powerful powerful thing, when I learned that my husband's emotional state was NOT my responsibility. Even more shocking, that believing it WAS my responsibility was called, "co-dependancy." I was so frustrated! The Christian marriage books had literally TAUGHT me to be codependent! Grrrrrr....
It was such a freeing thing to be able to let my husband be angry and in pain (over the absolute disaster he had caused with his addiction and mental issues) and NOT feel like it was my fault, or my job to clean it up.
Talk about a 500 lb weight off my back!
The sad thing was that I had friends/family who, when I made the choice to divorce say, "Ohhh...but how is that going to make him feel?" There is this weird thing where the man can make the woman feel like shit, and that's okay (it's our burden to bear), and yet if the woman makes the man feel like shit (by simply allowing him to bear the burden of his own choices, instead of constantly removing the consequences), it's a terrible thing and we should all feel really bad for him!
It's so strange. All this hoopla about women being the weaker vessel, and yet when it comes right down to it, the real belief is that men are so fragile, with fragile fragile egos that constantly need petted.
Argh.
|
|
|
Post by hopewell on Oct 7, 2010 11:32:09 GMT -5
Very compelling post.
Along with the rose-colored view of Victorian life that Patriarchy sells, there is the hidden stress of trying live up to mythical standards of gender-based rolls while earning a living and functioning in the world of today.
The stress of even one special needs child wrecks so many marriages. And, yes the burden of staying in a hated job--often the only way to provide the medical insurance necessary--is tremendous. But, as mother's of my Mom's generation [1950s] and my Grandmother's generation [1920's] found, it is brutally stressful to put everyone else first no matter what. That is, in essence, what spawned the women's liberation movement --especially in the late 60s/early 7. 0s.
I cannot imagine we'd find a woman, other than an extremely devout Catholic or Mormon, from any past generation who would buy the "God opens/shuts the womb" theory. Much of liberation literature hinges on the need of women to have a "self" and to care for that self and to have at least a degree of control over reproduction. Although we all often say we need a "wife" when life is out of control, not many men today really want to face being the sole support of their family and who, looking at today's economy, can blame them? And, in the face of such economic brutality, who sees it as good Christian Stewardship to birth baby after baby with no thought of how to feed it than "God will provide."
The Patriarchy/QF movements become a self-imposed prison sentences--as you beautifully illustrate. Even when you don't buy in 100% you can still get sucked in 100% or more. Damage is done. Like any "prison" escape is the only way out.
Keep writing--you tell a very, very compelling story!
|
|
|
Post by whiteclover on Oct 7, 2010 11:33:20 GMT -5
Even more shocking, that believing it WAS my responsibility was called, "co-dependancy." I was so frustrated! The Christian marriage books had literally TAUGHT me to be codependent! It was such a freeing thing to be able to let my husband be angry and in pain (over the absolute disaster he had caused with his addiction and mental issues) and NOT feel like it was my fault, or my job to clean it up. It is so amazing to read these kinds of posts here and discover this same phenomenon was happening to women everywhere. I love reading about it, too, but I don't know if "love" is the right word. Certainly relief and validation to finally know it was not my rebellious and heretical thinking, it was REALLY happening and it was REALLY wrong. Did your husband really get angry and pained after creating a disaster? My ex-husband would simply detach from whatever catastrophe, large or small, he'd caused and blame-shift, usually on me. Didn't matter what it was: the weather, his employment, his disability, somehow I was responsible for every crisis. The day after my ex-husband left me, I went to the police station to report him as a missing person, that possibly he'd met with harm after stomping out of the church with a vagrant the night before. And I raced home to "make up" and "console" him when he answered the home phone when I did a last minute check to see if he'd turned up. (He was gone by the time I arrived; his clothes and personal effects were gone.) "I" made him sin . . . I caused his hoarding . . . I wouldn't take him to town so it was MY fault he didn't buy me Christmas presents for years . . . and I did the divorce, the paperwork and paying for it, because "divorce was a sin" and he never sinned.
|
|
|
Post by arianadream on Oct 7, 2010 16:23:58 GMT -5
One thing mentioned in the blog post - I know it's not what this family bought into, but I am always disturbed to hear about the idea of the husband representing the "godhead" in the woman's life. How can any human be totally responsible for another's salvation? It's ridiculous! And to have the man of the household represent the godhead is tantamount to giving him his own divinity, to making him into a god. That's blasphemy and idolatry, isn't it? How can these supposedly godly and biblical families embrace such a radical, unbiblical concept? I just don't get it.
|
|
jo
Junior Member
Posts: 73
|
Post by jo on Oct 8, 2010 8:21:16 GMT -5
There are comments on the website, and I don't want to answer in the comment section. So, I wanted to put one clarification here.
My husband and I are still together. That seems to be unusual when coming out of this world. However, we are. That is only possible because we both recognized immediately what role QF/Patriarchy played in our issues and both immediately exited from the dynamic together. In addition, upon discovery he immediately went sober from his addiction. It took him 6 months to finally start fighting for recovery, but in the last 6 months he has made a steady and consistent effort towards his recovery--therapy, 12 steps, the works.
I am still not sure if we will actually make it for a lifetime. I do know if we don't survive, we will not part with ill will but a realization that it was simply too much pain to overcome. However, I realized a major change in my heart when we hit the anniversary. I realized he had been fighting for recovery for 6 months consistently and I was beginning to trust again. IF he continues his path of recovery and healing, for the addiction and the pain in his past that led him to the addiction, then I do believe we will make it. If he does not, then the pain of that course is simply more than I will accept again and I will be done. I cannot and will not partner with a non-recovering addict again. It hurts too much, and its more than I can handle and still be the person I need to be and the mother my children need me to be.
Evenso, I'm in school full-time, headed for a career that my years as a homeschooling mother sparked the passion in me. If we part ways, I'll be okay. I'll finish my education and work, whether we're together or not. I won't do a one wage earner again. I won't put myself in that vunerability and I won't expect someone else to be responsible for making sure my kids get fed.
|
|
|
Post by humbletigger on Oct 8, 2010 21:09:53 GMT -5
I loved this line: Wow. Just, wow. You said so much in that one painful line. I am in a marriage recovering from a huge mess. We were not hardcore patriarchalists. Far from it. But I internalized so much of the teachings to women that I am still healing from the automatic self-subjugation I was taught was "pleasing to God". My husband and I are both in therapy. He completed a 26 week course for the prevention of domestic violence, then we both entered individual personal therapy to try to heal. It's coming up on two years since we first faced that we had a big problem, and things are improving daily. However IF things were to return to what was the status quo, I would leave. I will not live with emotional, verbal or passive abuse, much less any return to even the threat of violence. That is off the table. My husband, like yours, is fundamentally a decent human being too. That's why he began therapy, and why he is continuing in therapy today. I truly respect him AS A HUMAN BEING for doing this, not because any doctrine tells me I should but because he is respectable in his actions. I plan on returning to work within the next year or two. Right now we are investigating whether it is worth it to us as a family to pay for me to finally complete my education, or just work part-time at an entry level job. But the answer came to me as I was typing just now. Not only would it be worth more to us as a couple for me to work in a professional field, it would be a living wage for me if he ever reverts back to his old ways. Smart. Thanks for giving me the space to type that out here, Vyckie and Woman Reclaimed.
|
|
|
Post by arietty on Oct 8, 2010 21:16:46 GMT -5
Humbletigger that is great!!! (your decision)
And even if your marriage never returned to the bad stuff and went from strength to strength your husband might suddenly die for some reason and you would be very happy of your professional qualifications. If you can do it I encourage you to.
And Jo, powerful stuff. We need to hear about how damaging patriarchy and this lifestyle is to the men as well. I always remember the little Kings who exerted their tyranny over their chattel/family but thinking about it there were men clearly suffering under enormous stress and not getting off on a power trip there too. Especially as family size grew.
|
|
calulu
Junior Member
Posts: 76
|
Post by calulu on Oct 8, 2010 22:20:55 GMT -5
It's great that some of our marriages have survived leaving the cult like atmosphere of QF. My dear husband is the one that put an end to the madness and took us out. I was still drinking the koolaid for quite some time after leaving. But I see now he really did have our best interests at heart.
|
|