So I decided to write my story...but I didn't plan it. I just wrote it out while I was posting at freejinger.com under a thread called Jeff and Marge Barth. I made no outline--just wrote. It certainly isn't a great work of artful writing. It did, however, make me feel good. It was very healing.
So here it is:
I used to be a Christian. Parents became Christians when I was five. They moved quickly into Pentecostalism. Then eventually into Calvanism. At 19, I married my high school boyfriend who was a Christian, too. I loved him, but I wanted to live with him and not get married til we were older, but it was NOT an option in our community/circle. So, getting married seemed to be our only way to be together. I seriously wanted out of the church when I was 18 and 19, but then I got pregnant... That pregnancy was not planned. We had only been married for two months... We had been having sex since we were 16 and our birth control fails after two months of marriage??? I was most displeased. And frightened. It did something to my mind. All I could think about was that baby. I wanted to be a good mother and take perfect care of my sweet baby. Unfortunately, that also meant I needed to be a good Christian because my baby deserved a good, godly mother. I was back in deep.
Then, when our daughter was four, we moved 400 miles away from my parents and I had another brush with questioning my faith. This time I was close to ready to bag it all. My husband was not nearly there, though. He was frightened by the way I was talking. I put my thoughts on the back burner at that time. When our daughter was six, we had another baby girl. THEN I was given a copy of Mary Pride's The Way Home.
I was already home educating my daughter. I didn't do that for any Christian reasons. I did it because I had some definite ideas (based on some amazing schools I had attended) about what type of education I wanted her to have. There was also a good, unhealthy dose of fear involved. I didn't trust the schools to keep her safe. When Mary Pride explained how "Christian" the whole idea of home schooling was, well, it just gave me the support I needed to give in to my fears.
I met my best friend right at that time, too. She was a Christian and had also read Mary Pride. She subscribed to Gentle Spirit magazine. We were both very fearful and guilt-ridden. The QF ideas deeply influenced us. Neither of our husbands really got into it like we did. They didn't complain, but they were just not the types to wanna push us around and be THAT involved in Christian leadership. My friend's husband was always depressed and miserable...not a good candidate for a starring role in a QF family. They had a friendship with a couple that are ATI and they tried to get them into it, but he just didn't have the mental energy to live like that.
So my friend and I kept having babies. I DID use birth control in between to space them two years apart, but I did not talk about that with anyone but my friend. I felt very guilty because I was not trusting god....
After four babies I couldn't take it anymore. Neither could my husband. He went in for a vasectomy and I felt like a failure. If I had been a better, less selfish mother, we would not be so overwhelmed and would NOT be having to do this sin.
You are not gonna believe this.... The vasectomy failed. We had baby number five!!!! He had a second vasectomy and never received a bill for it!! LOL!
I moved away from the QF thing then, but not away from Christianity. In fact, we got into some teaching that was almost worse. It was a dispensational Baptist church. I believe it was a cult. I suppose a case can be made that QF is, too, or any religion, for that matter. However, the effect that this church had (still has) on me was very much like cult brainwashing. It was easy to pitch most of the crap I had learned in other church, but this teaching was different. They had an answer for everything. On top of that, my parents were traveling 400 miles every few weeks to attend this church and my middle sister and her family attended, too. Lots of pressure.
I don't know exactly why I started to question my beliefs one more time... Perhaps it is because a friend was kicked out of the church for getting a divorce. It did make me and my husband very angry. She had been married 11 years and her husband had only agreed to have sex three times. Something was wrong with him. One day she found out what that was. He had thousands of videos on his computer of bestiality and evidence that he was having sex with their golden retriever. Yes, yes, it is true. Shocking, but true. The church leadership said she had no biblical right to a divorce. If he had been having sex with a human female then she would be free to leave, but a canine female? Nope! Sorry! My stupid sister agreed with this bullshit. My parents were silent. We quit then. Never set foot in any church since then. But that didn't mean I was free of the cult thinking--just not hearing the teaching so often.
A few months later my sister decided she wanted a divorce, too. Her husband is an idiot and no one should have to be subjected to his presence, in my opinion. But, since she had no biblical reason for her divorce, the church kicked her out, too. That is when my parents quit. They don't attend anywhere as far as I know.
I guess being out of the church gave me the space I needed to start thinking. I started asking questions... talking to my husband, my best friend, my sisters, my mom (a little bit). I also joined ex-christian.net and talked to those people a lot. I talked a lot to a friend of ours who used to be in our church when we were teenagers. He is now an atheist.
What I did NOT know at this point was that my husband was already halfway out! He didn't want to upset me with his disbelief so he kept thinking about it alone. He had been questioning for close to a year. He still would call himself a Christian, but only believed about half of it. Then I started my search. Three weeks later I was saying, "I'm out of this. I'm done. I am NOT a Christian anymore at all." I caught up and passed him up fast! LOL!
I told everyone except my parents. I was afraid of them. I told my sisters. Neither of them believed, either, but they were quiet about it. They were probably afraid of my parents, too. Well, maybe not afraid...but why invite controversy? My middle sister had done enough of that recently by leaving her husband and having a very open affair with a married man. My parents weren't too pleased, but said very little. The youngest sister lives very far away and doesn't share too many of the details of her life with my parents. They would not approve.
I finally did break it to my parents. Mom was understanding. Dad was stiff and agitated.
Then the shit hit the fan. The youngest sister and I had been close for many years. We had never had an argument in our lives. We kept each other's secrets. One of my secrets was that I had been seriously exploring my sexuality. I was fairly messed up sexually because of a combination of things... Christianity alone can mess up a person. Then I was molested FOUR times! That is another story all on it's own! The greatest damage to my sexuality and body image came from my father. He was terribly critical of me because he thought I was fat. Said terrible things to me from the time I was three years old. I certainly was NOT fat at three. I have looked back at my pictures... some were chubby, some were perfectly normal. It didn't matter, though, because I had the image of myself as a VERY obese person in my mind all my life. Now it is actually close to the truth! Oh, well, I am finally learning to accept myself no matter what--my body, my mind, my personality, my sexuality. Part of learning that was having some sexual experiences that were...er..non-traditional. I shared this with my youngest sister over the course of a year. It was really exciting!
My sister betrayed me. She saved all my text messages. She told my parents. She sent an email to my middle sister, parents, and adult daughter and son-in-law detailing my sins. Some of what she said was completely untrue. Some half-true. Some totally true. My husband and I were in shock. She told everyone to shun us. My children were not allowed to see their cousins. It was more than devastating. And now my WHOLE fucking family knows the details of my sex life! My daughter and son-in-law! My parents! OMG. It was awful. Sickening.... Still is awful sometimes. This happened a year and a half ago.
I am officially shunned by my parents, my sisters, their husbands (not sure if that divorce ever happened with my middle sister...), and all the nieces and nephews except for one. Our daughter and son-in-law support us 100% (my parents won't speak to my daughter or her husband anymore, either) My step-grandmother does, too. I also have an uncle and an elderly cousin who still love us. And friends! Good, kind, supportive loving friends that treat us better and love us more than my so-called Christian "family" ever did!
It took my parents a couple of months to finally agree with my sisters and shun us. Dad yelled at me on the phone one day for not "believing in the LORD!!!!!" He then demanded I come to see him and answer for my sins, face to face. I said no. He was so angry!! I was afraid he might have a heart attack. Then, to shame me, he started reading MY text messages to me! That bastard had MY messages on his phone! My slimy sister had forwarded them to him! What kind of father would WANT to know the details of his adult daughter's sex life?
For gods sakes, we have been married for almost 25 years! This is really wrong. A big bowl of WRONG. Yes, these were the "good" people.... these were the "Christians". And it is ME who is a godless heathen. I am the worthless piece of crap who is easy to throw away.
My husband said, "It is hard now, but mark my words. We will be better off very soon. Our children will be better off without Christianity. They will be better off without your parents. YOU will be happy that they have shunned us!"
He is right. Even though it is still hard and I still have fears about going to hell (and bringing my children with me) and I still have pain about my parents, I am mostly happy. I would not want them or Christianity back for anything.
I didn't plan the story...no outline.. sorry if it is slightly disjointed!
Extra Piece:
Pentecostalism and Calvinism are very different. So different as to be seen as two separate religions. My parents are flaky and easily influenced. They got into Christianity at the age of 28! They were not brainwashed as children. And they never looked into it. Some 17 year old girl told my dad about "Jesus" and how you can be saved from hell. They bought it. Unfortunately I was only five and had no ability to protect my mind.
Yeah, the Calvinists we knew don't even think the Pentecostals are "saved". They think the Pentecostals are working their way to heaven. They also believe in that elect/predestination thing. None of the Pentecostals I ran into thought like that...there may be some, but I haven't seen any. They believe in free will. The Foursquare Church I was in as a teenager also thought you could lose your salvation if you "back slide"...which sort of suggests that it IS good works, and not predestination, that get you to heaven! And my Calvinist ex-friends (including my parents) really can only go with two possibilities for me and my husband now. Either I am still saved and will be killed shortly by god to save my soul.. OR... I will live a happy life and then they will have to conclude that I was never one of the elect. I was just a tare the WHOLE time who never really believed. Makes my head swim....
But I know that I DID believe. So that little thought experiment kinda proves to me that it can't all be true...And I am getting happier all the time. I don't see any evidence that I have been "turned over to Satan for chastisement" ! The farther I get away from my parents and other fundies, the happier I am!
AND my marriage has never been better! AND the non-christian friends we have are the most loving, kind, non-judgmental, supportive people I could EVER hope to have in my life! Nothing like those icky, mean spirited, gossipy, pieces of shit that I knew in church... Sorry, that may be unkind--and an exaggeration. They weren't all like that. But most were.
Another thing! ZERO respect for boundaries!!! I haven't had any privacy with them EVER. They have made me feel creepy my whole life. Made me ashamed of being a woman. Made me feel naked. I don't like it one bit.
By the way.... I have implied it, but not actually said (written) out loud just how supportive and kind my husband has been through all this. He has been great! My daughter, too, and her husband have been soooo good to us. It hasn't been easy on anyone. My daughter has lost her grandparents over this! She was the closest to them. They weren't there to see her graduate with her masters. (also, she was home schooled until college! hee! hee! hee!) They don't know that she is teaching at the local university. They don't know that she and her husband bought their first house. They won't be there when the first great-grandchild is born. What a loss for her. And what a loss for them! They are also going to miss our upcoming 25th wedding anniversary! All because I am living a worldly lifestyle and I won't believe what they want me to believe??
There is another piece to this, too. It is ALL my dad. My mother is just doing what he tells her. She always has. Sick and sad. He is a very powerful (seemingly) and angry and intimidating person. If my mother defied him she would have to leave him or live in a horrible hell with his anger. She tried a few years ago to tell him that his anger and control were hurting her. She wrote down everything she felt and then talked to him. Asked him to read a book about verbal abuse. He said, "No, I won't read it. I don't have a problem. You are the one with the problem." EXACT words! She gave up. I don't want to call her a coward... it is hard to stand up to him. But I do resent her lack of courage. She could have protected me better when I was little. She could be supportive now. She does NOT have to keep this up. She is too old for this, in my opinion.
Really, Dad is using religion to control me. He cares more about the control of my sex life than he does about the state of my soul...in my opinion. Sounds really creepy, I know.....
For gods sakes, we have been married for almost 25 years! This is really wrong. A big bowl of WRONG. Yes, these were the "good" people.... these were the "Christians". And it is ME who is a godless heathen. I am the worthless piece of crap who is easy to throw away.
