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Post by Vyckie D. Garrison on Sept 13, 2010 8:30:31 GMT -5
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Post by stampinmama on Sept 13, 2010 8:47:44 GMT -5
I am riveted by your story, Ruth!
How absolutely horrible for you. I can only imagine the pain and hurt you're still carrying today.
So much of your story reminds me of the story of my sister and I. My father ordered us to call off the relationship between the men he had previously accepted, so our story is a little bit different. But....my sister had a hard time handling it so he sent her away to a family over 1000 miles away to be an unpaid nanny and homeschool teacher to their two children.
Back when we were allowed to have contact with the guys, we were only allowed one letter a week and they were all read by my dad. Phone calls were allowed twice a week at 1/2 an hour each and my dad sat on the other end of the phone listening in.
Also, a little bit differently, I wanted to marry my guy but I also left home like you did. I grabbed what I could and left early in the morning, before everyone else had awoken.
I understand your pain and the urgency you had, but at the same time, I can't even imagine would it would have been like to be in your position.
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Post by humbletigger on Sept 13, 2010 11:41:52 GMT -5
As an American Christian mother I am dumb-founded by your story, Ruth. Speechless. Wow.
Seriously. Wow.
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em
Full Member
Posts: 176
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Post by em on Sept 13, 2010 13:04:55 GMT -5
Reading this again just makes me so claustrophobic for you. I can only imagine the epic panick attack I'd have had in that situation. So horrible. Sorry you had to go through that.
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Post by krwordgazer on Sept 13, 2010 15:41:37 GMT -5
The thing I can't wrap my mind around-- the thing that just seems impossible to understand-- is that you told your parents what this boy had said and done to you (even leaving aside his utter lack of consideration for anything you were or felt, he insulted your purity. You would think that that would have had some effect on their thinking!) but they completely disregarded it.
I have a teenage daughter. If she told me a boy had treated her like that, I'd be ready to kill him. Instead they insisted you stay engaged to him. Apparently they didn't even care that you had never consented.
They weren't acting like parents, but like slaveholders making a particularly lucrative flesh-trade. It's appalling and almost unbelievable to me that the heart of a parent could be so hard.
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Post by journey on Sept 13, 2010 17:39:07 GMT -5
I'm riveted. Can't wait to hear the rest. I'm just bowled over by your courage and strength in such a difficult and oppressive environment.
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phatchick
Junior Member
Medicated for Your Protection
Posts: 80
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Post by phatchick on Sept 13, 2010 20:17:14 GMT -5
{{{{{Ruth}}}}} Our family was pretty fundy but I cannot imagine my parents doing anything like that to me or my sisters. I am so glad you're out of it.
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Post by stampinmama on Sept 13, 2010 20:32:04 GMT -5
The thing I can't wrap my mind around-- the thing that just seems impossible to understand-- is that you told your parents what this boy had said and done to you (even leaving aside his utter lack of consideration for anything you were or felt, he insulted your purity. You would think that that would have had some effect on their thinking!) but they completely disregarded it. I have a teenage daughter. If she told me a boy had treated her like that, I'd be ready to kill him. Instead they insisted you stay engaged to him. Apparently they didn't even care that you had never consented. They weren't acting like parents, but like slaveholders making a particularly lucrative flesh-trade. It's appalling and almost unbelievable to me that the heart of a parent could be so hard. I wonder if her parents didn't want to make a big deal out of it because it would become a big issue between his family and hers. It sounds like, from one of her earlier entries, that her father kind of kowtowed to his father to begin with when he told her to be more friendly when Adam was talking to her the first time. Being that his family had money and was big in the movement, her father was probably pretty much a coward when it came to his father. That's my guess, at least. Also, a lot of those types of fundies feel that an engagement is just as good as marriage, which is why breaking an engagement off in their "world" is akin to divorce, so her father might have figured that Adam kind of owned her anyway and so he could do that to her. Either way you skin it, it's just plain wrong. Her parents should be utterly ashamed of themselves.
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Post by kisekileia on Sept 13, 2010 20:46:52 GMT -5
People are also just plain reluctant to believe that anyone they know could do seriously bad things. Many, many people (particularly women and minors) who report abuse are not believed because it just seems so taboo, scandalous, and shameful for someone people KNOW to have done. I suspect that dynamic was at work--simple reluctance to believe that such things could happen.
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Post by nikita on Sept 13, 2010 21:29:02 GMT -5
I'm so sorry this happened to you, Ruth. I can't even wrap my brain around this kind of parenting.
I think that people want to sweep things under the carpet and pretend that it never happened because if they don't then other things will flow from it. Admit Adam wronged Ruth, and then you have to react to it. And that reaction will cause other reactions, and that in turn will cause other actions, and on and on...It is so much easier to just hope that it wasn't that bad, that it doesn't really mean anything, that it can be glossed over and that life can be 'gotten on with' just as it was before without stirring anything up. It's just easier. And Ruth's parents haven't struck me as the kind who would choose the difficult path where her welfare was concerned; her life was simply folded into theirs, and she was expected to just adapt and flow along with it no questions asked. At least that is how they come off to me. The idea that they would get to know her and listen to anything she had to say simply wasn't on their radar as things to do or aspire to. They had an entire worldview that encouraged them to disregard her as her own person.
I know this must be very difficult to write but I am grateful that you are sharing these awful moments of your life with us. Your courage in doing so is very evident.
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Post by krwordgazer on Sept 13, 2010 22:45:07 GMT -5
Good points, all three of you. I guess what it comes down to is that once you've decided someone exists for your benefit, you have made them not as fully human as you are. And when someone isn't fully human, you can treat them as less than human without it bothering you. I suspect that if Ruth's parents had ever stopped and really thought about it, they might have been appalled at themselves. But self-blinding is a very common, very human thing to do. I suppose part of the reason I'm so upset by it is that if I had not gotten out of Maranatha, I might be doing the same things to my own kids right now. I like to think I would have stopped short of it, but who knows?
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Post by denelian on Sept 14, 2010 3:56:20 GMT -5
i think there's another aspect, as to the lack of caring on Ruth's parents part. and i'd think it would be even MORE prevalent in fundy circles - if a woman is sexually molested, well, what did she do that MADE her molester/attacker do it? because, as we all know, men have no free will and even LESS willpower, and are completely and totally incapable of restraining themselves from anything - they're even WORSE than stallions around mares in heat, WORSE than male lions. therefor, OBVIOUSLY, *RUTH* had "done something" to "MAKE" him respond that way. and that THE most f-ed up thing about our society as a WHOLE, it happens everywhere in this country and not a single person with a vagina is exempt from it. i'm pretty sure her father just didn't want to have to talk to Ruth's "Fiancee", because then they'd have to discuss what Bad Thing she did to "deserve" or "cause" his sexual assult, and THAT would reflect very poorly on Ruth's father. so, like a coward, he [continued to] put his reputation above the welfare of his daughter. it's a good thing that i know REAL men, GOOD men, who value women as PEOPLE - otherwise, i'd turn into a misandrist RUTH: when you wrote about how you set off for the neigbor's house, i started crying. that's one of the bravest things i've ever heard.
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amy97
New Member
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Post by amy97 on Sept 14, 2010 7:46:57 GMT -5
Earlier I was feeling some sympathy for Adam, imagining that some of his inappropriate behavior might have been due to being awkward and uninformed. But now, I'm just horrified. How could someone raise their son to have that mindset? And how could parents refuse to protect their own daughter?
Ruth, I am so sorry for what you have been through. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Post by apprentice on Sept 14, 2010 8:57:18 GMT -5
How could someone raise their son to have that mindset? I imagine it's pretty easy once you start thinking of men as lord and master and women as slaves.
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Post by chbernat on Sept 14, 2010 11:15:11 GMT -5
Your story makes me sick. Sick because its all too familar and sick because I didn't have the courage to get out.
I am so proud of you for getting out of that situation!!!!!!!!!
I was betrothed as well. But I had become such a stench to The Movement by my lack of a "quiet and gentle spirit" that my parents and the leaders of our local movement squashed the betrothal right from underneath me.
I was devastated. It was my ticket to freedom.
But I am so glad that God allowed that to happen. My man is way more than he ever could have been!!
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Post by yoshimay on Sept 14, 2010 21:29:22 GMT -5
I can't believe you weren't even out of highschool yet and they were already arranging your marriage. This story seems like it belongs in some other time period or culture.
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Post by ladygrace on Sept 15, 2010 20:47:25 GMT -5
I've heard stories like this over the years, but, Ruth, your story is catching me differently. Maybe because it's less like a magazine article so that, while it's horrifying and seems unreal, it's also all the more real because we get to know you more.
America prides itself on being this great country, home of the free. Indeed.... Yet people are slaves to religion, imprisoned against their will (Scientology does the same thing, believe it or not, when you're deeper inside). And for some stupid reason, the law allows it, calling it freedom of religion. Except that for women, it's not. Did those fundie women in the news last year or the year before really have any say? Was it really their own free will to be in those marriages? No. They were manipulated and emotionally and mentally battered. But as long as there are no bruises, it's like abuse can't exist, and this is so wrong.
By the time I got to your escape, I was clutching my necklace. I hope the neighbors ended up being the good types who helped.
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Post by madame on Sept 16, 2010 4:23:33 GMT -5
i think there's another aspect, as to the lack of caring on Ruth's parents part. and i'd think it would be even MORE prevalent in fundy circles - if a woman is sexually molested, well, what did she do that MADE her molester/attacker do it? because, as we all know, men have no free will and even LESS willpower, and are completely and totally incapable of restraining themselves from anything - they're even WORSE than stallions around mares in heat, WORSE than male lions. therefor, OBVIOUSLY, *RUTH* had "done something" to "MAKE" him respond that way. and that THE most f-ed up thing about our society as a WHOLE, it happens everywhere in this country and not a single person with a vagina is exempt from it. i'm pretty sure her father just didn't want to have to talk to Ruth's "Fiancee", because then they'd have to discuss what Bad Thing she did to "deserve" or "cause" his sexual assult, and THAT would reflect very poorly on Ruth's father. so, like a coward, he [continued to] put his reputation above the welfare of his daughter. Denelian, I think you make a great point here. In these circles, children are there to bring honor and glory to their parents. Especially to the patriarch; Dad. Teenagers are sent away for not complying, but in this case, it seems like Ruth's dad was ignoring her "rebellion" (because it was just her wanting to be seen as a person!) and charging on to his advantage. Sick!
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