I am blown away that you had to go through a horrid labor while your lazy-ass husband was watching TV and on the computer. The argument for forced castration would apply in this case.
Agreeing with Erica again!
DR, sending much love your way! Having just read your entry, I am more or less speechless. I will write more later.
Tapati and semperstarla,
Yes, some batterers can get help, and those suffering from PTSD are in that group. Then there are the psycho/sociopathic/sadists like DRs husband. The only help for them, I fear, is not for them but for the rest of us- their demise.
Chilling IS the word here. Naturally HE can watch tv, surf the Net, look at porn. He is God's greatest creation: A Man. I hope this asshole got prison time, but I bet not...........Glad you are away from him. I hope you got all your children too.
A friend once remarked--"why is it always the guy wearing a Promise Keepers shirt, with a fishy on his car who beats his wife?"
Post by humbletigger on Oct 20, 2010 16:40:40 GMT -5
That is my beef too semperstarla! It should be called Biblianity instead of Christianity, because their favorite adjective is "biblical" rather than "Christ-like".
Also, the words/life of Christ have been demoted to a mere 1/16 th of the faith, in keeping with their worship of the OT and epistles as every bit as relevant as the Son of God.
Am I the only Christian in the world perplexed by that? My son doesn't even want to call himself a Christian because of it, but wants a different word to show that it's Jesus he loves and wants to emulate, NOT American Christianity.
Post by whiteclover on Oct 20, 2010 16:54:32 GMT -5
No, you're not alone.
I've been adverse to calling myself a "Christian" for a few years . . . partly because of not wanting to be associated with narrow-minded judgmentalism, but also because it has SO many meanings worldwide that it's been rendered meaningless.
The "Christians" in my world are highly offended. I'm sure it's the unpardonable sin, as they see my view as denying Christ Himself.
Totally not offended here. I also refuse to use the term Christian anymore. I refuse to associate with what that word means. Ironically, I still believe in both the goodness and the deity of a Jewish Carpenter. I just don't think those who call themselves his followers even begin to reflect what he was about.
My kids have taken to beggint to go to church again. I've searched my heart and my soul on how to handle this. DH wanted to go to the large Vineyard, and I refuse. I once had an argument in small group at a Vineyard on whether there was ever a female Apostle...because Joan is somehow not a female name and the female pronoun used in the Greek is a mistake when she is referred to in Acts. I've also seen Tripp espoused by Vineyard churchs, far too much subjegation of women. DH's thought was that its large, its generic and we could listen to good music while the kids had a fairly tame children's program.
Its also Evangelical Christian, teaches subjugation of women and zero tolerance of homosexuality. I won't teach my children hate. That's my bottom line.
So, I considered trying a large, Contemporary Methodist (Emergent if I could find it but there are none in our city) congregation. Yeah, I can't do it. I know the Methodists are traditionally more tolerant, more accepting of all people being equal. However, we're in the Bible belt and our last experience with the Methodist wasn't exactly all that, nor a cup of tea.
I've made the decision if the children want to return to church for community then the only place I'm willing to try is Unitarian. They can get religious community and we can leave the garbage called Christianity at the door.
I went from Christian, to calling myself "little c" Christian to differentiate myself from the loud BIG C Christians, and now I just say I'm agnostic or even apostate, even though I still go to church. The Big C Christians, using fear and intimidation to force their own agendas, sadden me.
This story is just so sickening and chilling. PLEASE tell us your boys survived this, not just physically but mentally and spiritually.
Post by defendantrising on Oct 22, 2010 8:24:33 GMT -5
Daniel and Jack are both still living and physically healthy. As for the rest, I tried my damnedest, and many times the people I turned to for help (police, social workers, therapists, and especially judges) seemed to be on Nate's side--not deliberately, just out of indifference, laziness, exhaustion, confusion (Nate never stops accusing me at top volume of being the "abusive" and "controlling" parent who has "brainwashed" the children) or sheer terror of Nate. You don't mess with Nate or he uses the courts to take you out, even if it takes him many years.
And of course, there came days of reckoning in which huge enraged teenagers demanded to know why I "stood by" when they were little and helpless and "did nothing." The reckoning continues even now with the third child. Explanations (I was also like a child, I was being abused too, I was brainwashed, I can barely remember huge chunks of this time, I did protect you as best I could) are futile.
I had a conversation with Dan a couple of years ago that went like this:
"You could have called the police." "Your father is a cold, calculating snake. He would have taken one look at the police, done a mental calculation in .5 seconds, and said, 'oh, officers, I'm so glad you're here. Look what she has done to my children.' And I would have gone to jail. The next day, he would offer to let me see and nurse the baby if I told the authorities it was me who beat you. He would have bullied you into lying and testifying against me in criminal court. At best, you would have ended up in foster care, until he hounded the system into giving you back to him. I would rarely see any of you." "I refuse to believe that there was nothing you could have done." "I did do something. I left." "Too late, Mom. It was too late. Who married the bastard in the first place? Why are you so stupid?"
We are at the place of my deepest pain. I may be able to write about this when I get that far and I may not. I have come to believe that there are so many Nates and Tesses out there that it is a necessary sacrifice on my part to offer up this story, in the hopes that some children might grow up at least somewhat free-spirited, as my younger three are now, and that some women might find peace in their own souls, perhaps in middle or old age with a decent partner (or without one) even if they cannot save some or all of their children.
Post by humbletigger on Oct 22, 2010 9:40:27 GMT -5
Reading this breaks my heart for you and your adult children, Tess. I am so sorry.
I hope that as your adult children grow more personally, they will be able to hear the truth of your words and forgive you. The rage an abused child feels takes time and therapy (validation) to start to lessen. I hope your adult children (and you too) are finding some helpful trauma therapy to deal with the PTSD. You were all incarcerated in a hostile hostage situation for years!
Of course you know these things, I am just reminding you of them. Your adult children needed to go through the steps of confrontation and expressing their anger in order to heal. That must have been excrutiatingly painful for you to endure. But once they are done with that, they will come back to wanting a relationship with their present day mother. At least, I want to believe they will attain that level of healing.
Trauma, the unwanted gift that keeps on giving. Blech.
For what it's worth, I think of you as a hero, amazingly resilient and courageous, for ever getting out at all!