intro

[km]

Hi, I'm Kristen. Eh... So, I became attracted to QF/Christian fundamentalism as an adolescent/early teenager when a neighbor family dragged me to a Bill Gothard seminar. It had nothing to do with what the lifestyle offered and everything to do with the fact that all of the QF families I knew presented themselves as The Perfect Family. It all seemed a far cry from my own chaotic and highly dysfunctional one.

So, I let myself get sucked in (I was never homeschooled, btw.) for about a year in early high school. I had, like, dozens of QF pen pal girls, and we exchanged F.B.'s and quoted Bible verses in our letters, and apparently I had a reputation among them for being "very liberal" since I was public schooled 'n' all. Between the ages of about 13 and 14, I wore long dresses to school all the time (it made me shall we say stand out), and I talked about courtship and told everyone that I didn't believe in dating, and ooh boy... It was...not a time I'm particularly fond of remembering.

I got out of the super extremism by at least tenth grade or so, and well...stayed evangelical through my early twenties. Now, I'm almost 30, and it's been nearly seven years since I was active in a church. I have a wide range of church experiences (from the very liberal mainline denominations to the hardcore fundamentalists), and basically... I'm tired of it, and I'm putting *no pressure* on myself. Tired of trying to get it right and trying everything on the Christian spectrum thinking something *has* to make me feel something even though I never experienced this "personal relationship with Christ" that they all talk about. It always just made me feel like I was flawed in some way, and I hated, hated, hated having to pray out loud (Surely, everyone would know by the lack of emotion in my voice!). Now, I refer to myself as someone who is "culturally Christian" (that is, raised in a Christian family) or as "agnostic Christian." I'm glad that some people are able to stay active in it even after experiences with QF, but well... It turns out not to work so well for me, so... Yeah.

[rosa]

Welcome, KM!

That's kind of an amazing story- i hope later you'll feel open to sharing what it was you got out of that year of identifying with the Gotthard movement.

[km]

Thanks, Rosa. I'm not sure exactly what you're asking? I mean, I didn't get anything out of it other than social exclusion in high school, really. I identified with it at the time (and not just Gothard, but people were sending me Jonathan Lindvall tapes and all kinds of things.) because... Well, because the families seemed happy. Or, at least, they gave off a happy public image, and I bought it because my own family was so unhappy.

Also, I think that strict hierarchy structures can seem sort of, well, reassuring to young teenagers growing up in a chaotic home environment. In that movement, everyone knows their place, and most of the kids I knew in it were serious, smart people--and many of them seeming musical prodigies who wrote songs and played the violin and all of it (and who got really good because they--the ones I knew, at least--spent so little time on school). I found all of these things impressive at the time.

Now, I've pretty much lost touch with everyone I ever knew who stayed in that lifestyle (with the exception of a couple of people who are friends of friends)--and regained contact with some of the people who left. It could never have lasted very long for me. Even then, when the girls would talk about how they didn't want to go to college and how excited they were about becoming wives and mothers, it was all I could do not to say, "Well, I'm planning to get a PhD."

[km]

Also, I'll be honest, I had body image issues at the time, and saying that I believed in "courtship" sure did take a lot of pressure off... if you want my superficial reasoning.

[km]

Well, one more thing... I've been trying to remember my thought processes from that time, and one thing I remember is that my own parents were fairly narcissistic and self-involved. During those years, their marriage was in the process of unraveling, and they were pretty neglectful of what was happening in the lives of their children. I think I misunderstood the extreme control that I saw happening in Quiverfull as evidence of a kind of care and concern that I did not receive from my family. This is one reason why Tapati's story has resonated so much with me even though I have no background in the Hare Krishna movement. I can really relate to the whole adolescent search for what was missing in one's own family. It's not surprising to me that so many people who do get involved in extremist religious movements come from similar backgrounds--or that those of us who were attracted to the movements as young teens and adolescents had such skewed ideas about what a loving home and community should be.

[kisekileia]

KM, a lot of what you're saying hits home for me. I never got as conservative as Gothard or QF, but I had serious doubts about whether dating was OK after I heard about courting. I also got into evangelicalism as part of a sense of community, which I was searching for due to lack of friends rather than problems with my family. And I, too, have gradually moved farther and farther away from it in my twenties. I identify as a liberal Christian now but consider agnosticism a very intellectually reasonable stance.

[km]

Yeah, it doesn't surprise me that a number of people get into it because of a sense that something is missing in adolescence. Were you public schooled too then?

[kisekileia]

Yes, I was public schooled.

[rosa]

Thank you so much, km, you answered exactly what I was trying to ask.

What strikes me is that the pressures you faced are the ones that make teenagers vulnerable in general - chaos at home, lack of parental attention, a feeling of wanting to belong. Lots of kids respond to thos pressure with attachments that are far more destructive than flirting with fringe religious groups.

[km]

Heh, I dunno, Rosa... Personally, I think a little drinking, sex, and pot would probably have been a little less harmful to me than my involvement in far right Christianity was. But that's just me. I mean, it was helpful that I grew up in a highly educated community where educational success was always expected and driven home--dropping out of school or anything truly destructive like that would never have been an option.

[rosa]

Well, there's also meth, cutting, drinking to coma, getting into unsafe, abusive or exploitative sexual relationshbips (which is actually really, really common for girls looking to get out of chaotic home lives), having dependent children... it sounds like you had enough self-esteem not to even think up some of the really bad options.

[km]

That's true, I know. You're right, I was just thinking about stuff most kids do that I didn't do. Sorry for being trite there. I was sort of the black sheep in my family, and I got blamed for my parents' marital problems, so... I mean, from a young age, I tended to be pretty self-reliant and used to taking care of myself. Er, well, I had maybe a clearer sense of who I was than I think a lot of kids have because I had to think about it a lot from a young age to stay sane: "I am NOT the cause of all the family's problems, damnit." It could've probably gone another way, definitely.

[rosa]

I don't think you were being trite at all. I just think you weren't giving yourself enough credit.

And I do think it's interesting that evangelists are appealing to some people who are also more vulnerable to really negative behaviors - I think I've seen the same pattern in people I've known, but I wasn't looking for it then so now I'm trying to go back and look at some puzzling choices I've seen people make.

[xara]

Welcome KM. I am glad you have a strong sense of self and pulled yourself out of that.

[km]

Thanks, everyone. Glad I finally bit the bullet and joined the forum.