Hi!

[blair]

Hey there. My name is Blair, and I am a former fundamentalist Christian turned atheist.

I married very young, at 19, and I married a man who was eye-ball deep in the Southern Baptist Church. I spent a lot of years trying to mold myself to be a proper Proverbs 31 wife, submit, get up early, bust my ass to make the house just right, be a asset to my husband, etc. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your personal viewpoint, during the entire time that I was busting my ass to mold myself into a proper fundie wife/mother, there was a voice, I like to think of it as my true self, in the back of my mind screaming that all this submission, and subversion of self was WRONG. It was abusive. It was coercive. It was evil. I spent way, way too much time warping myself into something I hated.

So, hey, to make a long story short, here I am at 36, still married to the same man, but totally "out" as an atheist. As a non-conservative. As a bisexual woman. I was willing to divorce over this enormous gap in our beliefs, but we wound up deciding that "agreeing to disagree" is the best way to go. He is no longer a homophobic fundie, no longer a church-goer, and he knows better than to engage me on political subjects. So we're still together after all these years. (I must say that he really is a very nice person, and I trust and like him more than anyone else that I can think of.) And it's a complete relief for me not to have to pretend any more. I can definitely say that I am happier than I ever have been, due largely in part to the fact that I am no longer under the oppressive yoke of the patriarchal, fundamentalist religious beliefs that I had tried to conform to when I was younger.

So, hey! *waves*

[leathercouch]

Hi I'm in a very similar boat, still happily married to my Christian husband, but not a Christian anymore. He's not fundy/evangelical anymore, and he only goes to church when the kids want something to do on Sunday morning, but that is rare.

In my family I'm "out" as an apostate, but socially only a very few people know. It's just not a good idea in the area I live to be a loud and proud apostate.

[xara]

Hi Blair. Welcome to the forum. I am glad you listened to your inner self.

[blair]

Hi, and thanks for the welcome.

I agree with you, leathercouch, that it's not always wise to be loud and proud about one's apostasy. I've still got to be careful with whom I speak to about my beliefs, or lack thereof. Then, there's the whole tongue-biting thing for the sake of maintaining harmony with the inlaws and such. I guess that's why the internet is so great. If I didn't have this kind of outlet for meeting like-minded people, I probably would have freaked the hell out by now.

[Vyckie D. Garrison]

Welcome, Blair ~ thanks so much for the intro. I'm looking forward to having your perspective on the various topics here on the forum.

I'm really impressed that you started out married to an "eye-ball deep" Southern Baptist ~ became an atheist ~ and are still married ~ wow.

[blair]

Oct 19, 2009 11:17:42 GMT -5 Vyckie D. Garrison said:

I'm really impressed that you started out married to an "eye-ball deep" Southern Baptist ~ became an atheist ~ and are still married ~ wow.

By the skin of my teeth.

It certainly wasn't an easy transition, (wow...understatement!) but I do have to give my husband a lot of credit here, simply for being able to move forward enough in his beliefs to be able to accept me in all my flawed glory. If he was still hanging on to fundamentalist beliefs, we wouldn't be married. Also, there's the fact that life is so much easier for the both of us when one of us isn't completely miserable. "Fake it til you make it" clearly wasn't working for me.

[sargassosea]

Hi, Blair and welcome.

[km]

Welcome, Blair. What an amazing story... I'm bisexual too, by the way. I dunno if I could stay married to a conservative, ever, but good for you for figuring out how to make something work.

[Sierra]

Welcome, Blair!

I am curious: did your husband loosen up on his beliefs as a direct result of the changes you made to free yourself, or was he moving in that direction anyway? I agree that it's a remarkable story that the two of you made it through that transition - good for you! It probably made the process harder in some ways, but possibly more rewarding in that it proved your relationship was about you and not about false ideals.

[cereselle]

Hi Blair! Another bisexual here too. I started having erotic dreams about women when I was in (conservative Christian) college, and couldn't understand what they meant!

[blair]

Oct 19, 2009 13:06:27 GMT -5 km said:

Welcome, Blair. What an amazing story... I'm bisexual too, by the way. I dunno if I could stay married to a conservative, ever, but good for you for figuring out how to make something work.

Sometimes, it's really, really hard. We tread very carefully by attempting to respect our difference of opinions. It's not like we never clash, but it's not like we disagree on *everything* either. We do try to avoid discussing the issues where there is no ground for either of us to give.

It's not a perfect situation, I'll grant you that. I think the bottom line is that we respect each other enough to not try to mold one another into our ideals of the "perfect" mate. *shrugs* It seems to work okay when you're both able to do it.

[blair]

Oct 19, 2009 13:14:34 GMT -5 Sierra said:

I am curious: did your husband loosen up on his beliefs as a direct result of the changes you made to free yourself, or was he moving in that direction anyway? I agree that it's a remarkable story that the two of you made it through that transition - good for you! It probably made the process harder in some ways, but possibly more rewarding in that it proved your relationship was about you and not about false ideals.

I would say that he had started rejecting the fundamentalist beliefs a little at a time, some years before I finally "outed" myself completely. We quit going church about a year after my daughter was born. We both felt that it was like trying to keep a facade. He started relaxing his beliefs after we left. I was just relieved to be the hell out of there.

Many years later, after a lot of internal struggle on my part, I finally came clean to him that I am bi, that I'm an atheist and religion always felt abusive to me, and that my political beliefs didn't jibe w/ his. This was the time for us that the shit really hit the fan. We very nearly split, several times. It was a painful time of personal growth for both of us. Eventually, we made our peace. I guess the fact that I have confessed my true self and not become some evil person who "needs the lord" has influenced him as well. He knows I'm happier, and I'm sure that makes a difference, too. He confessed to me that he "doesn't believe the same things" that he used to. Yeah, he still believes in god and an afterlife, but, hey, whatever. At least we're not fighting about it.

[blair]

Oct 19, 2009 13:31:56 GMT -5 cereselle said:

Hi Blair! Another bisexual here too. I started having erotic dreams about women when I was in (conservative Christian) college, and couldn't understand what they meant!

Hi!

My sexual feelings for women started really early for me, but I hear ya! I can't believe that I spent so many years worrying that I was going to go to hell because of those feelings.

[km]

Oct 19, 2009 14:20:47 GMT -5 blair said:

My sexual feelings for women started really early for me, but I hear ya! I can't believe that I spent so many years worrying that I was going to go to hell because of those feelings.

Mine did too. I tend to partner romantically with women too, so I mostly think of myself as a lesbian-identified bisexual. But that confuses people, so I call myself bisexual or queer most of the time. Fortunately, my family is not fundamentalist (well... they do veer into evangelicalism way too much for my general comfort), so they didn't freak out about it either.