hello--

[Heather]

hi-- I've been lurking for a while, but I decided to take a more active part of this community because I'm back at my (Quiverfull) parents house and Need some sort of support.

I'm Heather, 23 and was raised very conservatively. We home-everythinged: homechool, home church, home cooked, etc. While pants were never Completely forbidden, we mostly wore those awful fugly jumpers.

Eventually I fought hard enough to get permission (I still felt like I needed it) to go to the Baptist college 20 minutes from our "farm." After commuting back and forth that first year without making any friends (my social skills were stunted) but experiencing a whole new way of thinking, I had the courage and confidence to move out and become my own person.

Yeah, I've made some mistakes in the past five years-- but I'm proud of them because they're My mistakes--choices I made and not my parents.

After graduating college I moved to Germany mostly to get away from my family, but also to learn German. It was an amazing year-- I met so many people and expanded my world view to include the realization that there are so many different ways to live. (and none of them are WRONG as my parents taught me to believe.)

I've been back at my parent's house for about a month now (for financial reasons.. it's temporary)-- and surprisingly enough, they've been fairly respectful. The problem is, I'm pregnant. I was planning on telling them after they had met the baby's father (he's Swiss and visiting in three weeks), but I accidentally left a flyer from the doctor's office in the car. So, today involved my mom crying etc.

I am not ashamed of this baby-- I'm not even ashamed of having sex outside of marriage. But my mom wants me to be sorry (feel guilty) and now she's beating herself up for "being such a bad parent." She also said that now she knows all her siblings are going to laugh because she was always criticized for being strict with her kids, and it "didn't work" (i.e. i'm pregnant outside of marriage).

This is a lot to deal with on top of being pregnant. Since this baby was unplanned (oops!) everything seems to be extra-complicated. Thankfully, my boyfriend is supportive, but there's still a lot of planning and paperwork (I might be moving to Switzerland) to get through.

I will be celebrating this baby's birth, but I was wondering, do any of you have any advice on how to avoid the negativity, guilt, pressure, and judgmental crap? Since I'm here and surrounded by my QF siblings, their family friends, and every single stupid conservative and patriarchal book around (on the bookshelves!), it almost gets to me and I start feeling guilty, like the horrible person for having premarital sex they think I am.

sigh.

How would the rest of you respond to your adult daughter getting pregnant but not being married?

Sorry this is such a long introduction.

heather

[xara]

Heather,
Welcome. Hang in there. Moving back home after college is hard even if your folks aren't QF. While you were away, you grew and changed and they didn't. And I have said it before, but no one knows how to push your buttons like family... they installed them.

It sounds like you have a good relationship and are a strong young woman. If your folks are too dumb to see that they raised a strong healthy young woman (which is a VERY good thing) then that is their problem, not yours. Sometimes you need distance to grow and figure out who you want to be, and it sounds like you have been doing that.

Take care of yourself. *Hugs*

[Sierra]

Welcome, Heather!

Wow! You definitely have a lot on your plate right now. Kudos to you for living abroad - I am living in the UK right now and can't imagine what my world would be like if I'd never left the US. I'm glad to hear your situation is just temporary - do you expect to be still living there when the baby is born? If you are, it will be important to stand your ground and, if possible, have your boyfriend there to advocate for you in case your mom tries to talk you into giving birth and parenting her way. This is something a lot of women face even outside of QF/P families.

What you absolutely need to remember is their values do not reflect on you. If the sheer force of your parents' emotions make you feel you've disappointed them, remember you are not a disappointment. Their own stringent ideals have disappointed them. Isn't it just absurd to take all of the dimensions that make a person - kindness, intelligence, curiosity, wit - and reduce them to the state of their reproductive organs? You are more than that - you are all of your experiences, talents, and dreams.

I don't know what to say other than to get out as quick as you can - which you probably want to do anyway! But definitely take advantage of this forum when those feelings start to resurge - we can help you put them back where they came from.

[jemand]

wow, *hugs.* That's so tough. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to live with such parents and such a community at that time. But it sounds like you are making a lot out of your life, language skills, an education, supportive boyfriend, you have nothing to be "ashamed of." Of course you know it, but I'm just saying it again 'cuz it's not the message you're apparently getting there!

And for goodness sakes, you're 23. Your decisions are your own. Your mom's guilt tripping you because her siblings are going to laugh at HER? What 23 year old daughters do is their own. It's just part of the infantilizing of women in QF that she is reacting to this like it's HER fault, that somehow she's supposed to still be just as in charge and guiding you as she was when you were a child, or growing up.

Anyway. I'm 23 myself. I'm always careful with bc but I know it could fail, thankfully, I don't think I'm likely to be in a financial situation to be forced back home, but in the case of an "oops" I sure dread talking to my parents. Because my guess is they'd react like yours. Anyway, good luck. How long will you be at your parents?

[Vyckie D. Garrison]

Welcome Heather. Your post here really grabbed my attention and I truthfully have A LOT to say by way of encouragement (maybe even a bit of advice) in response to your dilemma.

Unfortunately, you caught me at a super, extremely busy time ~ trying to get everything set up for the upcoming NLQ Carnival Days before I leave for NYC to appear on the Joy Behar Show. This is going to keep me totally occupied until Thursday.

So ~ I hate to do this, but I'm asking you to PM me a reminder because I'm pretty sure I will forget to respond to your intro. Ugh ~ sorry to leave you hanging!

All the best to you.

[arietty]

Oct 29, 2009 14:13:40 GMT -5 Heather said:

sigh.

How would the rest of you respond to your adult daughter getting pregnant but not being married?

A friend of mine once told me of a revelation she'd had while visiting a family in which a teenage daughter had a baby: a baby is always a blessing. It's kind of hilarious now that this was a revelation considering these people were already QF and the lifestyle is supposedly built on that philosophy. But it was seeing the family with the teenage mom actually treat the pregnancy, birth and arrival into their family of this baby as a blessing that really touched my friend.

I do hope your parents can get past their initial embarrassment to rejoice in this grandchild. A QF friend of mine has a teenage daughter with a baby and the whole family acts as if this baby is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to them.. (and they still have toddlers so it's not like this is a new thing, lol) and really it's very sweet to me to see this. My QF friend said her fears for her daughter were venereal disease, an abusive relationship and drug usage and that none of this happened (she left the father) and she now has her daughter home again with this wonderful grandchild makes her very happy.

I realize none of this is your situation.. I'm just relating it because I've seen very judgmental QF people pretty much throw that out the window when it comes to a grandchild. I sincerely hope that is the case for you!! Will this be their first grandchild? Maybe once they get over their initial shock you can invite your mom to do some mom things with you like.. buying some baby clothes/equipment, going to an ultrasound etc.. or ask your mom about her birth experiences even if you aren't interested. Things to connect your mom to what is really going on--she is having a grandchild. If she can connect to that she may find her feelings about it become more maternal and less judgmental.

Otherwise I also suggest you connect to friends via the internet a LOT and maybe join up with people in your locale that you can get out of the fundy headspace with. Whatever your interests are or if you are really into baby things join a la leche league group and talk with other up and coming moms.. anything to get out of that fundie headspace which I know is going to be oppressive. Because you are isolated and back in your childhood isolation working on finding connections where you are is really important because IMHO it could be super depressing otherwise. It is very depressing feeling your are back in a bad place that you once escaped from.

Anyway Heather GOOD LUCK and CONGRATULATIONS. Please write again!!

[Heather]

hello all you warm welcomers! thanks for the replies! they were really encouraging and reminded me that I'm not crazy even though I'm living in crazy-land at the moment.

sierra-- I don't plan on being here when the baby is born, but it depends on how quickly David and I figure out visas and living arrangements. He's just finishing up his master's thesis and is looking for a job in Switzerland. Hopefully I'll be able to join him there in Jan or Feb. The baby is going to be born at the end of April, so we don't have a tons of time to figure out stuff. We're actually stalling right now since we're not sure if we're ready to get married (especially since we weren't considering it yet before I got pregnant), but with immigration laws, it looks like we might do that. I know my parent's would prefer that... but I'm not really into shotgun weddings/bandages to make things look good.


arietty-- It will be my mom's third grandchild. My older sister (I'm the second of 7) did everything by the Book-- stayed home until she got married (courting first of course) and started having kids right away which she stays at home with. Nevertheless, I do think my mom will calm down and be excited like you said. She loves babies and was actually pregnant a couple of months ago but had a miscarriage.

oh and Vyckie, I'll get back to you 'cause I'm interested in what you have to say!

thanks again everyone!

[rosa]

Congratulations!

I wish I had good advice - if my kid got pregnant at 23 I'd help out however she asked (except I have a boy, but you know). I hope your parents stop the guilt trips when they've had a few days to think.

Arietty has really good advice, and I guess I'd say - if they get to really messing with your head, leave. You have aunts, uncles, cousins, a married sister, church friends from before - at least one household is going to be supportive & not try to make you miserable, I bet.

[verklempt]

deleted

[km]

Oct 29, 2009 14:13:40 GMT -5 Heather said:

How would the rest of you respond to your adult daughter getting pregnant but not being married?

I'm only 29, so it's not easy to envision this scenario, but for what it's worth... I'd be ecstatic. It sounds like too few people have congratulated you, so for the record: Congratulations. You may soon be inundated with a lot of "helpful ideas" about how to proceed through your pregnancy and what to do and blah blah blah... Mostly, I'd just say... Ignore everyone's "helpful advice," do what seems right to you, and trust your instincts.

And do what you have to do to get rid of the guilt. You haven't done anything wrong, so stand your ground, and don't let yourself be sucked into feeling shame or guilt over this. Remember that you're an adult, and your decisions are yours. You're not a child, however much your family may treat unmarried women as children. Just hold on tight to who you know you are until their version is nothing but background noise.

And if you're religious at all... I'm not saying you should be, but if you are... It might be helpful to you to get involved in a mainline, non-fundamentalist faith community. The people there might be able to provide both emotional and financial support, especially if you should become desperate to get away from your family. If you're not religious, then of course look elsewhere for support networks. The important thing is to surround yourself with people who are not going to judge you and who can celebrate this with you. This is a good place to start, but it may be helpful to build up your RL community as well.

Best of luck with all of it. You sound more than capable of getting through this with a very strong sense of yourself intact.

[tapati]

My daughter did get pregnant as an adult outside of marriage, and I was just fine with it. I supported her in handling it any way she chose. That's the way it should be, in my mind.

I've also known many happy, well adjusted people that were born out of wedlock. So why the guilt trips and gloom and doom from people who are supposed to view babies as a blessing anyway?

If you're happy the baby will be happy and all will be well.

And welcome!

[rosa]

Tapati - that reminds me, after my boyfriend & I had been living together for awhile my mom got really hung up on the idea of us getting married and she kept saying "but don't you want to have kids?" until finally I said "Mom, you know how babies are made, don't you? We can do that without getting married." It got her to stop talking about it, at least.

Of course, *his* mom just decided to pretend that we are married. She introduces me as her daughter-in-law and if i challenge her she says "well, you're SPIRITUALLY married."

[margybargy]

Welcome, Heather. My daughter's only three and I'm already looking forward to grandkids. If she were to get pregnant as an adult outside marriage, it would not phase me at all. I'd be delighted that a grandbaby was on the way.

Somebody already said it, but I'll repeat it. Just remember, they're the crazy ones, not you. Don't let them guilt you. You haven't done anything to earn it.

[kisekileia]

Oct 31, 2009 21:31:27 GMT -5 rosa said:

after my boyfriend & I had been living together for awhile my mom got really hung up on the idea of us getting married and she kept saying but don't you want to have kids? until finally I said "Mom, you know how babies are made, don't you? We can do that without getting married."

That is hilarious!