Hey themomma-
Thanks for your intro! And for explaining more of what you mean about how you view quiverfull.
Something that a friend and I always say is that it doesn't matter how many arrows you have in your quiver, it's the direction you shoot the arrows you DO have....and remembering that even though you may shoot in a certain direction, there are tail winds, side winds, etc. that can change your arrows direction....and that's not always a bad thing.
I'm interested in hearing your perspective on courtship vs. dating. I know your kids are still younger, but what are your plans as you think about approaching this?
(I absolutely HATE typing out the word courtship because it's become such a vile word to me, considering the situation that I was made to endure as far as my father approached the idea of courtship.)
I understand that trigger for you. For me it is going to the cult I grew up in's services in the home. Makes me sick to my stomach and I have to literally take deep breathes and remind myself I do not have to ever go back there......breathing, breathing.....
I hadn't heard that one before about the arrows, but I like it.
Hmmmm, as far as courtship, I am still trying to formulate what I think it should look like. And I think it depends on those involved, kidwise that is. Like my oldest daughter is very conservative, I don't really need to worry about her getting too crazy. I think that she will self-govern pretty well. My 3rd daughter...well, let's just say she is a LOT different.
As the mother of 4 daughters...
I see these as "rules" of courting:
The young man should ideally speak to either us or my husband before he makes his intentions known. If he speaks to one of the girls, I would expect her to direct him to speak to us. Maybe some would think this is too restrictive (and I think it would depend on her age, too) but if he isn't mature enough to have a "man to man" conversation with "the parents" I am not sure he would be responsible enough to be a really great husband...
Some may say, it is only getting to know each other, it isn't marriage, but at least from where we live in the midwest, most people are thinking marriage as the outcome. As far if they just want to get to know somebody, see if there is even a flicker of interest, the group stuff they are doing is great for that, too.
No 1-on-1 dates. The can spend as much time in a group setting as is practical. (I was going to type as much as they want, but that is leaving it pretty open-ended).
Write letters as much as they want.
Phone calls as much as they can afford.
They each need to be able to put down on paper what they are looking for in a mate and what their beliefs on things like children, discipline, divorce, homeschooling vs not homeschooling, spiritual beliefs, financial goals, SAHM vs not SAHM, things that are IMPORTANT. Personally I think they should start writing these things out at a pretty young age like 15 or so. Not that they have to stick to them, but they need to be able to say what they believe and why and be able to explain it to somebody else.
This should ideally start before they really have an interest in boys especially a strong interest in a particular boy/girl.
Hmmm, that is all I can think of off the top of my head.
One thing I think is important to note is I would NOT have put up with ANY of this from my parents...WHY? Because they were very abusive and I did not respect them at ALL! I think if our kids see that we respect them and are respectful of who they are, they are more likely to accept our "authority". Which in this case authority really means we are looking out for what is best for them.
If we are respectful of them, welcome their input and let them be who God designed them to be, these "rule" will be ok with them. They can even use them themselves as protection for themselves.
Gee Tom, the "rules" at our house say if you want to spend time with me you gotta talk to my dad. He is pretty laid back but he likes to meet anybody whose interested in me. Oh, and we do things in groups.
If this is more than Tom is really willing to do, his interest level probably wasn't very high. On the other hand, the girl can use it to ditch guys she isn't so interested in without hurting their feelings.
I don't, know, I am still working this all out, so it has been great to read everybody elses stories.
BTW, I moved in with my husband to be about 3 months before we got married. I was 21. One morning about 600am I got a phone call from my sister. My mom and dad (who lived about 90 minutes away) were on the way to come and "get me". It was very messy and ugly. Basically my mom (who I believe has mental issues, but hey, don't we all on some level!?) made my dad's life so miserable for like one entire night she "convinced" him it was what they needed to do. She is also the one who called my COLLEGE like student advisor person to make sure I was making it to classes. Just a few issues with control and letting go... So I am really trying to find the balance here.
