Bravejourney getting braver...

[bravejourney]

Hello, I stumbled upon this group and am overwhelmed that I am not alone. I was a baptist pastor's wife for 24 years. I was his "thorn in the flesh" because I have a strong spirit and couldn't/wouldn't stay submitted all the time. Now I'm searching. God and that awful pastor are so mixed up in my head, I hate church and get physically ill still when I take my kids. My name is brave journey because I know I'm on a journey and I'm trying to be brave, although it is very scary. I will post more later, please understand, it is very hard to write.

[arietty]

bravejourney welcome to this forum. I do understand that it is very hard to write.. I hope you find a lot of interesting and affirming things in the blog posts and the forum posts. I know I certainly have. Even if people keep their faith after getting out of this kind of thinking things do change and many of us go through a long spell of not having anything to do with religion, to kind of get clean if you will.

[ambrosia]

bravejourney, welcome.

I hope I'm not too far out of line, but being able to refer to one's ex as "that awful pastor" is surely a small compensation. ;D

Sorry. Late. Wine.

[bravejourney]

Ok, here we go. I grew up in a conservative christian home. We were "sunday morning christians." For those of you who don't know that term, it means that we went sunday mornings only, but weren't as "dedicated" as those "sold out for christ." In my preacher's wife years, I would often refer to this as the pit from which god had raised me.

The pastors of that small rural congregation (independent, fundamental, bible believing, nary a piece of literature, baptist church) stayed 1-2 years...the smallest amount of time was 6 months. In my high school years, there was a crook, a wife beater and then, about the time I graduated, the then pastor was actually caught molesting his wife's day care children. Along with two deacons and a song leader.

You would think I would have run screaming for the hills. But. Fate is ironic, is it not? Also while in high school, my dad became paralyzed. They anointed him with oil, the deacons prayed over him, he was on the "prayer list" and "prayer chain" for 2 years. But god didn't heal him, because one of the preachers said there was undetected sin in his life or his family. So we prayed, and repented, and begged god to spare his life. He had a brain tumor, and after being in a w/c for 2 years, he died.

During that time I became sickly attached to that congregation. My mom had a nervous breakdown, I became the mother to my 2 younger sisters, and I did all the chores on our farm. I also maintained good grades. Church was my outlet. Of course we believed in "salvation by grace"...however, god was happier and would bless us if we served him. We wore culottes to church camp, and hid our bluejeans from the preacher when he came to visit. Still, my dad died.

Then, my freshman year of college at a secular university (and boy was that a battle...won only by "the devil" because my step dad said my folks would disown me if I went to bible college, despite the child molester preacher encouraging me to go.) Of course, "Preacher" hadn't "fallen from grace" yet. Common in our church were men who didn't want the disgusting label of denominationalism "reverend." But we had to call them brother so and so, or preacher.

Anyway, that first semester of college I joined a local bible believing church of like faith and met "the one god had intended for me." He would say to people that I wasn't his choice, I was god's choice for him. Another flag I ignored, because I thought I was doing god a favor.

We married the following year, packed all our gifts into his car (he made me give mine away), and went off to bible college to change the world for the lord. He was called to preach, though I didn't understand why. He frequently said his dream would be to live on a mountain, all alone, like a hermit. But I knew with me on god's side, I could be a "fit help meet for him". I knew this because my husband told me that. Over and over and over. That was my role. To do what he needed me to do. (That is a whole twist of what the Greek words meant, I would learn when I took Greek in college, but I was never able to get him to see it.)

24 long years went by. In those years I home schooled for 10 years, he pastored several churches, we moved 14 times, and I had 8 kids. When he pastored a church my job was the women and children, because he didn't like them. Bible studies, vacation bible schools, singing specials every sunday, learning to play the piano for congregational singing, nursery duty, visitation 2 times a week, church at least 3 times a week, teaching sunday school, children's church. I learned to become a good manager and I trained workers and my children to help me in those tasks. In my free time (during the home school years) I worked full time because he was "the full time pastor" and we needed money. Our congregations were to small to support us.

I went to work full time when we only had 4 kids. I was an anomaly in our movement because usually the women were to stay home and raise the kids. I was expected to do both, because to put it bluntly, I had a lazy husband. I remember during testimony time telling the congregation what a wonderful blessing my husband was because he had purchased me a dishwasher. Now I shake my head in disbelief at how naive I was.
The first week that I worked full time, when I came home and cooked supper and prepared lunch for the next day and took care of the kids baths and homework and bedtime, I was too tired to do the dishes. He told the congregation that after 4 days of dirty dishes in the sink, he realized that I needed some help. So he bought me a dishwasher. Typing this now I realize that even by that time, 10 years into our marriage, I was so brainwashed I didn't see how ridiculous that whole scenario was.

I started doing well in the workplace. The more I became successful in my career, the more angry he became. We frequently fought. He would call me names, yell in his preacher voice that I was rebellious, a fool, etc. He was using the bible terms, and the bible definitions for these words.

He controlled all the money. I had to beg for pantyhose and makeup, but was expected to dress professionally for my job. I managed a million dollar business, but was not allowed to go to the grocery store and write a check with the money that I made. He was abusive as well. I was generally safe when I was pregnant. When I was not, he would bodily throw me out of the house, put his fist through the door, yell and scream at me while polishing one of his many guns from his "collection."

If my family called or came to visit, he became more sullen and pouted. He was rude to them, but expected them to attend church with us. They began to read the sermons he prepared and point out to me the man they saw on Saturday was not the one in the pulpit on Sunday. It was like he was two different people. After their visits, I would become "rebellious" he said, and question his authority; and he would put me on the prayer lists. Life cycled on.

Divorce was not an option. Counseling was not an option. Counseling was of the devil, and all we needed was in the bible. When I pointed out that his favorite submissive verse was preceded by "submit yourselves one to another." He became angry and more sullen. "I was contradicting him. I was not saved. I needed to get right. I was a fool."

And above all, I was not to touch god's anointed. I was never ever ever to criticize or question him in public. When I did slip, I was publicly chastised. He would preach about me from the pulpit. He would talk about and cry about his rebellious wife. He told visiting missionaries I was crazy, and to counsel me.

The part I hate the most is that he beat our kids. The boys especially. The mental abuse they suffered was awful. He would shoot the pets, with the kids watching, for some minor infraction, and then have the two older boys drag it away or bury it. When my oldest son was 16, he attempted to break his arm. It was a special hold he had learned at the police academy. If the suspect tried to get away, the arm would be dislocated. I wish I had called 911. I wish I had been stronger. I am so sorry I allowed my kids to be hurt. He would drag my 5 year old son all through the house by the arm and beat the boys with his belt for disturbing his sunday afternoon nap. All those years I hid this from his congregation. It was my job, my duty, to protect god's man.

In our last years together, he became morose and his behavior more bizarre. I later learned he was having a series of affairs with women in the church. Of course he denied this. They publicly stood and confessed to the congregation, yet they were "the liars."

I developed horrid migraines. They would hit the minute I walked into the foyer of the church. He told the men of the church I was faking illness. They thought it was the bright lights. I wore sunglasses, and still had the headaches. I hated Sundays.

I started thinking I was crazy. I looked on the internet and there was only one site that I found to help me. It was about abused pastor's wives. I wondered if this might be the problem. Maybe I was abused. Maybe we needed counseling. He adamantly refused. There was nothing wrong with him, it was me. If I would be sweet and submissive, our problems would go away.

I sought my sisters' help, and they helped me find a counselor 3 hours away so that he wouldn't find out. I went, she recommended some books on abuse. I read them while on a business trip and threw up in the hotel room. He fit 11 of the 14 symptoms of an abuser! How could that be? I was surely imagining things. Why would god do this to me? Who was god anyway?

The church found out I had gone to a secular counselor. His "right hand man" and his wife came to counsel us. Here's another irony...she was one of his affairs. I promised to be good. They promised to pray for me.

Then that year, 3 things happened that were so small and tiny that it makes no sense to me why it caused me to "wake up." But I did, and decided that I had enough. I went to the bank, threw up in the parking lot, then went in and withdrew 1200, half our savings. I had never done that. Ever. In all my married years. I felt as though I were robbing the bank.

I drove to an attorney's office and filed for divorce. We planned the timing of the papers, because by then he was in law enforcement, and I feared. I was always afraid.

The papers were served the day before valentine's day that year. Only one deacon, who i bless to this day, told him to take a leave of absence as long as it took to meet the needs of his family and put his family back together. He stubbornly refused. My older kids (18 and 16) were in the audience the sunday after he got the divorce papers. He railed at me and preached against rebellious wives. The congregation called me and begged me not to "do this to their beloved pastor." The deacons gave him 2 weeks to get his wife under control.

He became sickly sweet and attentive. I decided in my heart that if the "change" lasted for one month, I would reconsider. I did not want to ruin his ministry and destroy our family. I did not know of the 2 week ultimatum.

2 weeks and one day later, he lost the church and quit speaking to me again. I held firm. I got out.

All I wanted was the kids. Not his guns, or tractors, or tools, or ministry books (he had 1300 volumes). I wanted the kids. He agreed I could have them if I took all the debt.

I got out.

And now, today, I have to wonder who the heck god is. And what am I supposed to believe? And I'm wondering how long it will take to figure it out.

[journey]

(((((hugs))))))

I am so very very glad you found us.

You are amazing. Amazing.


PS. I remember when I went to the bank to get my very own account, about 6 months or so after I seperated....and feeling so sick to my stomach, so afraid, so astonished that I somehow made it through the door of the bank without running away... When I went to sign the papers, my hand was shaking. When I read you saying, "it felt like robbing the bank," I nodded my head, because I had that same feeling, like I was committing this terrible sin by doing something so independant as to get my own bank account...

It's so crazy what living with abuse can do to an otherwise strong and competent woman.

[mommybunny1]

Oh my! Bravejourney, you are very, very brave. What an amazing and courageous woman you are! I hope that you find validation and sisterhood here. You need and deserve to know that you are valued and you are not alone.

You are no longer voiceless. This is your first gift. With that gift, all of the others will come. Yes, I know the agony that allows a person to take all of the debt just to be free.

Welcome.

[sargassosea]

Hello & welcome

[philosophia]

Oh, Bravejourney,

We are sisters in truth. There are many women here who can relate to the things you are saying. It seems that these kind of men are often "called" to the ministry because they want to control and be seen of men.

Welcome here! I don't know how I would have made it out without Vyckie's site here. I found it right before I filed. You were very strong!

Welcome!

[jemand]

Feb 21, 2010 10:59:22 GMT -5 philosophia said:

Oh, Bravejourney,

We are sisters in truth. There are many women here who can relate to the things you are saying. It seems that these kind of men are often "called" to the ministry because they want to control and be seen of men.

Unfortunately, I believe they are also sometimes attracted to the police force, or military, or other secular groups in which one is given some leeway to be authoritative-- which these men can use to bully and control. Which is quite scary.

ETA: (hugs) bravejourney. You are so strong, your x sounds so cruel.

[WanderingOne]

Welcome bravejourney!! (((((hugs)))))

You really are brave. I know how hard it can be to write about things sometimes. I'm so glad you've found NLQ. It's such an encouragement for me to know that I'm not alone.

I struggled with my faith for a long, long time. I think a lot of people here have too. Some are still Christians, some have left the faith altogether. However you answer those questions, I think you will find people here who are ready to listen and talk through them with you.

Thank you for sharing your story with us!

[xara]

Welcome Bravejourney. I am glad you found NLQ. I hope you will find health and happiness.

[krwordgazer]

Bravejourney, my heart goes out to you. Welcome to our group.

[princessjo1988]

Oh honey

What is it about fundamentalism that draws these men? My father was one, and whilst his abuse was subtly different, it was still based on the same bits and bobs of religion and bible.

It does get easier. You will find a light at the end of the tunnel. The moment is hard, but each day you will find a way to step ahead, get on and up!

It was your husband that did those terrible things, not you.

Jo

[arietty]

Bravejourney thank you for sharing your story. It hurts so much to read it, and to see once again how the church just sits there and looks at out and out evil and reinterprets it so that the man is the victim and the woman is the sinner. Even affairs.. and damn I don't know why this still shocks me as I've seen it up close myself, in the two families I've known where the pastor had an affair(s) each time the talk was about how the wife was rebellious or didn't have sex with him enough. Always the focus was on how to fix the wife and make her better for him, like's she's a freaking household appliance on the fritz.

I have 8 kids too and have been out of an abusive QF marriage for 11 years now. IT GETS BETTER. I know even when things were at their lowest.. financial hardship, teenagers acting out and hating me for leaving, very very lonely because everyone sided with the ex and it was impossible to even imagine making new friends.. even then I rejoiced in my freedom. Just simple things, simple little joys that he would once ridicule, simple decisions like buying something totally frivolous for ME.. well I could list a thousand little things that gave me so much joy. And the bad stuff does indeed get better. Finances are stabilized and children pass through their own personal hells related to all this and emerge. I have eventually made new friends though that has been the hardest. You get that automatic friendship group when you are in a closed off cultic thinking religious club, but of course it's all completely conditional on your being just like them!

Anyway I'm glad you are brave. Remember that in 5 years live will be totally different so if you are feeling like you are trapped in hell now it is in fact only a passage to a better place.

How are your children? I can say that eventually all of mine thanked me for leaving my ex and the one that was acting out the most and the angriest at my "destroying the family" apologized to me for everything she said. We tried to do a lot of normal fun things that we weren't allowed to do with the ex, that was a really healthy thing for my kids.

I hope you write more here, lots of people can relate to your story. I have found it very cathartic to write here and validating to read other people's stories.

[rosa]

Bravejourney, thank you for posting.