Post by corardens on Feb 27, 2010 21:07:39 GMT -5
Hi all, I've made a few posts already, but just to show where I'm coming from, I thought I should come here.
I was not raised excessively religious, I don't think; my parents went to church on Sundays until I was about 8, then only on Xmas and Easter. When both my parents worked I often went after school to a big Baptist family's house and played with all their (bio AND adopted) kids. When I decided to no longer identify as Christian, my mother wept and moaned that she must have raised me wrong, but there wasn't much pressure beyond that. So I don't get being raised to really FEAR God.
HOWEVER.
The stories of emotional abuse and manipulation that so many ex-cult members have talked about ring true for me, nonetheless. I have had objective observers (from childhood friends to professional shrinks) tell me my father was a verbally abusive asshole, my mother was very lonely and clingy, and while I can't really say how bad it was for my older brother, they expected the world from me: a good attitude, a slender figure, constant emotional support (for my mom), unquestioning obedience (to my dad), straight As and attendance at a good university (that at least I managed), and a big impressive lucrative career.
Needless to say, I proved to be human, and therefore an unending disappointment, even if they don't clearly express it. My dad still works two hours from home, and mom is physically disabled so frequently alone at home, and would call me constantly to dump on me until I moved to another country (and now Facebooks me nearly as constantly--she's not as computer savvy).
Obviously, many parents have done far worse (at least mine wanted their daughter to be educated, unlike some TV personalities I could name) and it really seems like it shouldn't be that hard to just get along, but the fact remains that I have never really felt unconditionally loved and supported by them. I know they've had troubles of their own, and I try to have compassion for them, but frankly they are immature, insecure people who struggle to respect the notion that I have my own mind and different plans in life, that I don't exist just to fulfill their wants and needs, and that they just can't keep using me as an emotional dialysis machine for the rest of our time together on this planet.
So I moved far away, first to the opposite coast and more recently across an entire ocean. Miraculously, I met and married a man who listens to me, shows me true tenderness, and supports my (selfish, unprofitable, unrealistic) goals as an artist, rather than a petty arrogant man who takes me for granted and leads me to make friends with bizarre manipulative people like my mother did just to have someone to talk to.
Going to therapy and making friends with people who've had similar childhood experiences has shown me that I did not deserve to grow up being constantly criticized, belittled, screamed at, guilt-tripped, and generally have doubt cast on my competence and worth. I don't fear random people judging me (as much as I used to), I feel more confident in my perspectives on life (I'm nearly 30, it's about bloody time), and can say for certain that hearing about how countless other daughters were raised like I was, with the extra onus of BURNING IN HELL FOR ETERNITY, just does not sit right with me, and I will call out abuse and manipulation as I see it, secular or religious.
Meanwhile, my brother still lives near my parents and has two daughters, going on 3 and 1 this year, and I hate to admit that I hope my parents will start glomming onto their lives so they'll stop continually trying to pry into mine---they're both 60+ now, they can't possibly have the energy to warp them as much they did me.
And if they somehow do, my nieces are always free to come live with me. Anyone who has suffered from extreme degrees of crazy-making has my utmost sympathy, and I am willing to hear them out...unless they start with the glomming and the crazy-making themselves, in which case, I may just have to cross another ocean.
I was not raised excessively religious, I don't think; my parents went to church on Sundays until I was about 8, then only on Xmas and Easter. When both my parents worked I often went after school to a big Baptist family's house and played with all their (bio AND adopted) kids. When I decided to no longer identify as Christian, my mother wept and moaned that she must have raised me wrong, but there wasn't much pressure beyond that. So I don't get being raised to really FEAR God.
HOWEVER.
The stories of emotional abuse and manipulation that so many ex-cult members have talked about ring true for me, nonetheless. I have had objective observers (from childhood friends to professional shrinks) tell me my father was a verbally abusive asshole, my mother was very lonely and clingy, and while I can't really say how bad it was for my older brother, they expected the world from me: a good attitude, a slender figure, constant emotional support (for my mom), unquestioning obedience (to my dad), straight As and attendance at a good university (that at least I managed), and a big impressive lucrative career.
Needless to say, I proved to be human, and therefore an unending disappointment, even if they don't clearly express it. My dad still works two hours from home, and mom is physically disabled so frequently alone at home, and would call me constantly to dump on me until I moved to another country (and now Facebooks me nearly as constantly--she's not as computer savvy).
Obviously, many parents have done far worse (at least mine wanted their daughter to be educated, unlike some TV personalities I could name) and it really seems like it shouldn't be that hard to just get along, but the fact remains that I have never really felt unconditionally loved and supported by them. I know they've had troubles of their own, and I try to have compassion for them, but frankly they are immature, insecure people who struggle to respect the notion that I have my own mind and different plans in life, that I don't exist just to fulfill their wants and needs, and that they just can't keep using me as an emotional dialysis machine for the rest of our time together on this planet.
So I moved far away, first to the opposite coast and more recently across an entire ocean. Miraculously, I met and married a man who listens to me, shows me true tenderness, and supports my (selfish, unprofitable, unrealistic) goals as an artist, rather than a petty arrogant man who takes me for granted and leads me to make friends with bizarre manipulative people like my mother did just to have someone to talk to.
Going to therapy and making friends with people who've had similar childhood experiences has shown me that I did not deserve to grow up being constantly criticized, belittled, screamed at, guilt-tripped, and generally have doubt cast on my competence and worth. I don't fear random people judging me (as much as I used to), I feel more confident in my perspectives on life (I'm nearly 30, it's about bloody time), and can say for certain that hearing about how countless other daughters were raised like I was, with the extra onus of BURNING IN HELL FOR ETERNITY, just does not sit right with me, and I will call out abuse and manipulation as I see it, secular or religious.
Meanwhile, my brother still lives near my parents and has two daughters, going on 3 and 1 this year, and I hate to admit that I hope my parents will start glomming onto their lives so they'll stop continually trying to pry into mine---they're both 60+ now, they can't possibly have the energy to warp them as much they did me.
And if they somehow do, my nieces are always free to come live with me. Anyone who has suffered from extreme degrees of crazy-making has my utmost sympathy, and I am willing to hear them out...unless they start with the glomming and the crazy-making themselves, in which case, I may just have to cross another ocean.
