I feel like an imposter...

[sisof9]

Hi Everybody!

My name is Didi. I am 26 years old, been married for almost 9.5 months, and the oldest of 9 children. (26years - 5 months *grin*)

The reason I titled this that I feel like an imposter is that while I hate the sins commited against so many on here, and I think that the QF lifestyle definitely has a lot of opportunities for grievous sins against children, wives, even husbands... I love children and I would LOVE to have 8+, I want to homeschool, I love skirts and dresses, my hubby loves it when I cover my head although it's not something we do on a regular basis at this point. I am PERSONALLY against birth control (NFP included) for myself, and I do believe my husband is the head of our house. (Although I take the "neck" analogy very strongly and we don't do anything that isn't a partnership

But, I wanted to post here because I love reading y'all's stories - they really help me and my hubby to think of the future and what things we would do differently than a lot of the families who have shared on here. Also... I came from a family where things were not handled well...at all. We were not "quiverfull" in the strictest sense of the word, but we were definitely a very large (according to the standards of those outside QF ), very dysfunctional family.

I started typing out my story and than I realized its VERY long even with most of the details missing. So the short version is from 14 - 19 I had the primary care of my siblings, and all the guilt I could eat.

I thought that a "good homeschool girl" was there to make her mother's life easier. My mom told me many times throughout the years that her job was delegator and we were her servants. :-p It sounds kinda funny now, but it was a big weight back then. Anyways, at 14 my grandad got cancer, 15 he died and my mom locked her self away in her bedroom, only coming out to go on dates with my dad that could last anywhere from 4pm - 1am /6am *one time* I tried to do it all, but I was awful at it and my dad would berate my all the time for not getting everything done in a good way. He told me once "I know your life isnt the best, but we have to make Mama happy. right?" and that was the truth. We lived out lives to make Mama happy and she lived her life to make babies. (which made her happy )

I can type it all out, but it's long and probably boring. Nothing as dramatic as many of you faced.

The good news is that my parents are way way better now as far as not guilting the kids AND not placing undue burden. My mom still doesn't do very much, but it means the house is trashed all the time, not that my 11 year old sister is trying to do it all. They had a baby in October and he is the light of their lives - he is adorable. And he is the last.

Unless God does something majorly unexpected - Eric is the last. My mom went through 6 miscairraige or something to have him, and he is here and healthy.

Sorry this is all jumbled. I dont really know what I wanted to say. :-p

Attachments:

[kiery]

hi!

Glad that this is helpful - and that you're here

[rosa]

I'm glad you're here, too.

And I hope you start feeling like you belong. I don't think anybody here is against people voluntarily doing the things you listed - we're against enforcing it coercively, or preaching that it's the only way to be close to God, or continuing to do it when it's hurting people by telling the people who are hurting that they are at fault or aren't actually hurt.

[Hillary]

Welcome, Didi!! I look forward to reading your posts. :-)

[jemand]

Welcome Didi! I hope you enjoy it here and don't feel like an impostor-- it's not really the number of children that causes abuse, but the inflexible rules on raising them, and the inability to revisit certain ideas occasionally to make sure they are still working and still applicable to your life.

What I think goes wrong often is people thinking the same methods are going to work when children grow up as they did when they were very small, the same methods will work with many children as worked with just a few, and that if you follow *a specific* checklist of actions, you are guaranteed a good result, (any number of gothard, pearl, whatever checklists) which means it's not important to check if your children actually *are* thriving under that system or not.

I'm sure you can have a very large, flexible, happy family if that is what you feel you can handle and would like *Some* day, or under specific circumstances, you still might want to revisit birth control (like NFP), if a situation crops up where external and internal factors are seriously stressing your older children to the breaking point. I think from your background though, you should be able to notice that happening, and I do think a parent should try to alleviate the extreme stress huge families sometimes place on older children-- then it isn't really a question of what's right *just* 'for you' anymore. But that's a quibble you may never run across, or successfully solve another way! (probably most likely to happen if there is any severe temporary illness in the family, like when your grandfather got cancer, or an upheaval like bankruptcy, or any number of bad things nobody wants to *plan* for).

I think inflexible rules are bad, but big families? Those can be fun-- friends for life!

ETA: and here I am talking as if I know everything Sorry! Anyway, I hope you enjoy it here and contribute a lot

[WanderingOne]

Welcome! I'm glad you're here--please don't feel like an imposter!

[Vyckie D. Garrison]

sisof9 ~ so glad to have you here.

I've been enjoying your comments and appreciate the perspective you bring as a QF daughter. And I agree with the other members here ~ don't feel like an imposter ~ if nothing else, NLQ is definitely a welcoming place for all varieties ~ there's no "typical" member and no expectations that everyone must think similarly. You can relax here and just be who you are.

[arietty]

Indeed Sisof9 you are not an impostor! Jemand's post is very good, I agree that inflexibility is a real rod that breaks some families. A commitment to ideology over the individuals in the family. Of course I realize people don't see it as "ideology", they see it as the path God is calling them to. Somehow veering from this path (i.e. being flexible) is all mixed up with veering from God and our faith as though the two are the same. And yet for all of us life changes and the direction we point ourselves in at 20 can be vastly different than at 40, not because we failed to persevere but because we adapted.

Examples of ideology over people would be the families that move churches all the time, every time something gets taught they disagree with. A few posters here have talked about how painful this was as children to be ripped away from friends and not have any social stability (particularly important if you are homeschooled and the church kids are your friend pool). The needs of some family members just aren't as important as ideology. In the whole no-birth control thing what happens if a family has a baby with huge special needs, or there is major sickness with another child that requires the parents be in the hospital a lot.. if the parents keep having children under extremely stressful circumstances who takes care of everything back home? I would say that if these burdens fall on the daughter(s) the parents are placing their own ideology over individual family members by keeping having children in those circumstances.

Having a big family is great. Even after I stopped being QF I had two more children because I wanted to. The good things presented by big families and homeschooling are available to anyone who wants them, but they should be choices not burdens.

Anyway welcome to the forum, it is always a great thing to hear from another daughter.