Post by hrd on Mar 11, 2010 18:03:01 GMT -5
I briefly introduced myself on another thread before I realized this existed.
Finding this site has been so wonderful. I love reading stories of people who can identify with the weirdness of religious fundamentalism. Even though it has been probably 15 years since I've been a "believer," I still have these painful memories of growing up in a fundie house, and of the deeply-imprinted religious fears that can still make a cold shiver go up my spine.
As many of you probably could, I could write pages. However, I will give the basics: I grew up in a Fundie household, not QF, but manyof the same values/belief systems. My parents are converted Jews, or as they like to say, "Messianic Jews." They are involved in free-wheeling store-front type churches. IN the beginning, it was the "Jesus movement" which looked a lot like a hippie movement, but was just a dressed-down fundie movement. We wandered in and out of various congregations in the Kansas City area. Many of the churches we went to were very involved in wonders and miracles type stuff. My first grade class in Christian school were all "Baptized in the Spirit."
We were very involved in pro-life movement. I was taken to anti-abortion rallies all the time. When I look back at the self-righteous BS I spewed at some poor girls who were trying to end their unwanted pregnancies at the clinics where we protested, I want to puke.
We lived in poverty. My parents only had 4 kids. But it seemed like a lot. My mother was what I would now recognize as clinically depressed. My dad was abusive--mostly verbally, but he did occasionally slap my mother around. He most certainly spanked his kids to the point of abuse.
I grew up with guilt, guilt, guilt for every bad thought, because I was taught that bad thoughts were sins in and of themselves--that thinking a bad thought was as bad in God's eyes as murder. I was never sure if I was faking it or not. Speaking in tongues was a big deal. It always seemed kind of bogus to me, but then I felt guilty for not having enough faith.
I went to college, and found out that boys liked me. Having never been allowed to date (presumably we were to "court"), I was so, so guilty over talking, going out with boys. Of course I did it anyway (uh--because I was a 17-year-old !). Gradually, gradually, I called BS on the whole thing! I think after I had sex, and didn't immediately "think and feel" like a different person--as so many chastity lectures had lead me to believe. I eventually married a man who was a former fundie kid himself. My parents told me we wouldn't stay married, because I wasn't "walking with the Lord." It will be 15 years this year. Though we are not really religious (though our kids identify strongly as Jews), I think the fundie upbringing did some permanent damage (we were one step away from becoming ultra-orthodox Jews at one point).
I could go on and on and on, but there is one pint I'd like to bring up. One of the biggest pleasures I have in my life in music. After years of only being allowed to listen to praise and worship, or on occasion, Christian rock (though my favorite, Amy Grant, was banned after she made a "secular" album), I allowed myself to listen to everything. I have to admit, for a long time, I was still worried about the Satanic infiltration--all those seminars in "back masking " and so forth did their job on me for sure.
I love reading these threads, and am so heart need that there are so many women out there strong enough to walk away!
Finding this site has been so wonderful. I love reading stories of people who can identify with the weirdness of religious fundamentalism. Even though it has been probably 15 years since I've been a "believer," I still have these painful memories of growing up in a fundie house, and of the deeply-imprinted religious fears that can still make a cold shiver go up my spine.
As many of you probably could, I could write pages. However, I will give the basics: I grew up in a Fundie household, not QF, but manyof the same values/belief systems. My parents are converted Jews, or as they like to say, "Messianic Jews." They are involved in free-wheeling store-front type churches. IN the beginning, it was the "Jesus movement" which looked a lot like a hippie movement, but was just a dressed-down fundie movement. We wandered in and out of various congregations in the Kansas City area. Many of the churches we went to were very involved in wonders and miracles type stuff. My first grade class in Christian school were all "Baptized in the Spirit."
We were very involved in pro-life movement. I was taken to anti-abortion rallies all the time. When I look back at the self-righteous BS I spewed at some poor girls who were trying to end their unwanted pregnancies at the clinics where we protested, I want to puke.
We lived in poverty. My parents only had 4 kids. But it seemed like a lot. My mother was what I would now recognize as clinically depressed. My dad was abusive--mostly verbally, but he did occasionally slap my mother around. He most certainly spanked his kids to the point of abuse.
I grew up with guilt, guilt, guilt for every bad thought, because I was taught that bad thoughts were sins in and of themselves--that thinking a bad thought was as bad in God's eyes as murder. I was never sure if I was faking it or not. Speaking in tongues was a big deal. It always seemed kind of bogus to me, but then I felt guilty for not having enough faith.
I went to college, and found out that boys liked me. Having never been allowed to date (presumably we were to "court"), I was so, so guilty over talking, going out with boys. Of course I did it anyway (uh--because I was a 17-year-old !). Gradually, gradually, I called BS on the whole thing! I think after I had sex, and didn't immediately "think and feel" like a different person--as so many chastity lectures had lead me to believe. I eventually married a man who was a former fundie kid himself. My parents told me we wouldn't stay married, because I wasn't "walking with the Lord." It will be 15 years this year. Though we are not really religious (though our kids identify strongly as Jews), I think the fundie upbringing did some permanent damage (we were one step away from becoming ultra-orthodox Jews at one point).
I could go on and on and on, but there is one pint I'd like to bring up. One of the biggest pleasures I have in my life in music. After years of only being allowed to listen to praise and worship, or on occasion, Christian rock (though my favorite, Amy Grant, was banned after she made a "secular" album), I allowed myself to listen to everything. I have to admit, for a long time, I was still worried about the Satanic infiltration--all those seminars in "back masking " and so forth did their job on me for sure.
I love reading these threads, and am so heart need that there are so many women out there strong enough to walk away!
