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Post by Ex-Adriel on Apr 9, 2010 17:00:17 GMT -5
Hello everyone. I suppose I am/was a QF daughter, I just didn't know it at the time. : ) I'm mostly interested now in the whole 'no teenagers in homeschool and QF' idea, and how that all got started. I'm also interested in people's experiences with current relations between them and their parents still in the very conservative religious mindset. I've read the blog for a while, and the postings for even longer, before I got brave enough to poke my head out. I'm not very interesting - currently married, no kids (maybe not ever - not that I'm scarred for life or anything...  ) living in Upstate South Carolina. I think I'm an athiest now, which only makes the relationship problem worse. Yikes - any advice? In the meantime, hello everyone! |
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Post by xara on Apr 9, 2010 17:13:01 GMT -5
Welcome Ex-Adriel. Glad you decided to de-lurk.
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Post by kiery on Apr 9, 2010 20:07:20 GMT -5
Hey, Ex-Adriel! I'm a daughter too (also married, no kids...possibly for ever). I've changed a lot (with the whole, you know, leaving the mindset thing) and my relationship with my parents is like... waffling between flakey and non-existant depending on how inadvertently vocal I am about my thoughts. For me I just sort of had to not give a crap anymore and that seemed to help build confidence. I don't really know what all I can do as far as helping my relationship with my parents - I've apologized for any pain I caused and tried to bridge the gap some, but they're not responsive in a healthy way, so until they can have a healthy relationship with me and DH, we're at a standstill. I have an awesome relationship with my in-laws though, which has been a great help. Are you close to your husband's family? Also, what do you like to do? I doubt you're as boring as you think you are  Glad to have you de-lurked  |
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Post by Ex-Adriel on Apr 10, 2010 9:50:41 GMT -5
LOL. I am! They are lovely, NORMAL nice people who love their kids and are helping them become accomplished (scarily accomplished) adults. And that's part of the problem - sooo much guilt! They aren't Christian either, and are politically opposite my family's views, and ... yeah. It was a big enough stink that I chose my boy anyway, as he's not 'saved.' My mother finally decided that he is actually saved after all, he just doesn't know it yet. This way she's allowed to like him, because 'after all, he is a very nice boy.'  It makes me want to scream. I love my family, I just really don't want to ever see them. |
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Post by rosa on Apr 23, 2010 9:44:50 GMT -5
Haha. I love denial.
Ex-Adriel, my partner's mother has decided to believe that we are married - even though we are NOT. She thinks God married us (without us knowing) because we were meant to be together, therefore it's not lying when she tells people I'm his wife.
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Post by Ex-Adriel on Apr 25, 2010 18:40:31 GMT -5
Isn't it great how "God" can marry people or save people just like that, simply because someone wanted it badly enough? I try not to be insulted by her, I know she's simply trying to make the world fit into her little boxes, but darnit it's hard sometimes to not get peeved! |
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hrd
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Post by hrd on Apr 27, 2010 22:09:40 GMT -5
Ex-Adriel,
I have been out of my parent's house for almost 20 years, and they seem to have mellowed over the years. We have a sort of "we don't talk about certain things" kind of relationship. I have three kids, so they are willing to overlook anything to be with their grandkids. I jsut know they pray for us all the time though. I can just hear it "Dear Jesus, please help our daughter and our family find their way back into your heart. Please lead her to walk with you again." Oh barf.
It is harder with my sister who is sort of borderline QF--she has 4 kids ages 0 to 9, long skirts, homeschool, covers her hair, and so forth. I find myself getting really angry with her and wanting to argue with her. It is hard for me to separate emotionally, even though she never judges me.
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Post by anatheist on Apr 28, 2010 23:42:56 GMT -5
Hi Ex-Adriel! I've seen you around the boards, just wanted to say that I have the same situation with my parents, or at least my mother. She refuses to acknowledge that my boyfriend isn't saved because he's a nice person. She even acts like he's secretly on "her side". And she keeps calling him my husband.
But I've decided that I prefer that to when they used to try to deliberately break up my relationships with non-Christians. And like hrd, we've gradually gotten into where we don't talk about certain things. At first it made me really sad that my parents would probably never understand me and never really respect me for who I am, but I have gotten more ok with respecting myself and not needing their approval. For me, the ghost of hurt hasn't gone away, but the big daily emotional trauma did.
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Post by kisekileia on May 5, 2010 14:07:33 GMT -5
I'm currently dating a non-Christian, and my parents are not thrilled about it. I was furious with my mom when she advised me to "think about whether I want my kids to have a non-Christian father." She also claimed, in the same conversation, that she and my dad "will be nice to any young man bring home," but I am sufficiently skeptical of this that I haven't brought him home yet.
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Post by Ex-Adriel on May 6, 2010 16:33:13 GMT -5
"For me, the ghost of hurt hasn't gone away, but the big daily emotional trauma did. "See, and here's my current dilemma - I'm SOOO Freaking Happy that I don't have to deal with my family every single awful day! I feel so free and un-fettered by them normally - and then I have to go home (or they visit me) for whatever reason, and I get soooo depressed and anxious before, during, and afterwards. I hate that. I especially hate that I feel that way towards my youngest brother (who is staying this weekend with me  please send happy thoughts my way!!) who really doesn't deserve for his older sister to treat him as a PTSD trigger and run the hell away from him every time he gets close. It's not a happy feeling to dread your family because of what it does to your emotions and nerves.
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Post by Ex-Adriel on May 6, 2010 16:37:48 GMT -5
kisekileia - my mother has always been 'spiritually close' to me as her eldest child/only daughter, so I never had to worry about her accepting the boy I chose - I knew she'd do whatever she had to to keep me happy. I just didn't expect her to 'stealth save' him!!
And yes, I dread the 'how to raise your child' chat sessions. That actually plays a large part in my reasons to not have kids right now. I'll never raise them the way she wants them to be, and I'm terrified that she'll try to brainwash them.
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Post by anatheist on May 6, 2010 17:35:00 GMT -5
Everything got better for me after I moved across the country from my parents. When I do visit them, it's just for a few days at a time and I try to schedule it so we're usually out doing something. I don't know if that's an option for you.
If there's one thing that I DON'T feel guilty about, it's moving away from them.
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anna
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Post by anna on May 19, 2010 1:34:02 GMT -5
Hi, Ex-Adriel!
I'm also one of those who love their family but don't particularly like to be around them.
I can stand it a lot better now that my father is gone (he died in April 2009), but there are still
my crazy grandparents around and just going back home can trigger my memories and make me miserable. Plus, there's the issue of my mom almost not talking to me at all when I'm there, to avoid the topics of THE PAST, the abuse that happened to me and which she didn't prevent...
I had a hard time talking to my brother, too, because he doesn't feel like he was abused and developed a close relationship with our father after he went on the dry and I had left home already.
How does it make you feel to have nice, normal in-laws? I really admire mine and I love being at their house, although we do have our conflicts too. I love their jobs, their convictions, their deep love for their boys. It just hurts like hell to be with them and witness all their closeness and insider humor, because it really hammers home what I missed.
So, let's say, we have a complex relationship and I shed quite a few tears every time we visit. Have any of you made similar experiences? How do you deal with it?
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Post by Ex-Adriel on May 19, 2010 18:32:34 GMT -5
It's still weird with the inlaws. They're so normal by comparison to what I grew up with, it's almost like some freaky Stepford Wives scene - I'm always nervous while I'm with them, waiting for the other shoe to drop and the condemnation and judgement to start. There's no reason to suspect that they're going to, except that I expect everyone to condemn and judge me - that's my set-point. So I'm anxious and uptight while I'm there, and then only afterwards I realize how nice it was and what a good time everyone had (even me, through my nerves). So for now I just feel really guilty that I actually like them and want to get to know them better. I do have to say tho - my mother came and spent a weekend with me this past weekend and I only had one panic attack while she was here! |
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Post by krwordgazer on May 20, 2010 0:24:53 GMT -5
I can really relate to that, Ex-Adriel. Once I got used to the fact that there was no dysfunction in my in-laws' family-- I started watching them, to help me learn what normal looked like.  |
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Post by humbletigger on May 23, 2010 18:39:51 GMT -5
Yay! Only one panic attack! Maybe zero next time? |
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) living in Upstate South Carolina. 
please send happy thoughts my way!!) who really doesn't deserve for his older sister to treat him as a PTSD trigger and run the hell away from him every time he gets close.
