Post by alatheo on May 10, 2010 13:56:45 GMT -5
i stumbled across this site via Jezebel.com and "secret lives of women", started reading and am hooked. thank you, vyckie, for sharing your very courageous journey and challenges.
my own background is very far removed from fundie christianity. i'm a very lapsed catholic (am closer to buddhism than christianity) - our family tradition is catholic, but i see it more as a social tradition for high holidays and sacraments rather than day-to-day adherance of scripture and church "rules".
what *has* captivated me is seeing how closely the QF/P "system" for raising families mirrors the way my father was raised. my parents were both born & raised in Europe, in larger families. religion played a role in their lives, but mostly because at that time, *everyone* was a practicing (or at least pretending to be) catholic. catholicism was so engrained in the culture- holidays, weddings, funerals are steeped in church traditions. the church was the center of things for generations.
my mom is the oldest daughter in a family of 6, and was definitely expected to help her mother with housework and chores. however, my grandmother was a firm believer that her kids should have educations and encouraged to make their own decisions/be their own people. therefore, she and her siblings were raised in a much more liberal and free way.
my dad is the oldest of 9 kids, and unfortunately his upbringing was much more rigid. he and his sister (the next oldest) were pulled out of school at incredibly young ages (this was legal in post- WW2 europe- kids were only legally obligated to stay in school until the 5th grade).
my father and aunt were like 2nd parents without any rights in the growing family. my father went out to work every day like a grown man, but had no rights to his income - it was all siphoned back to the "family". my aunt was basically a housewife from the time she was 12. my grandparents kept having kids, and the 2 oldest kids were expected to be "back up" parents to the growing brood.
unfortunately, both of my grandparents are now deceased, so i will never be able to get explanation from them. i don't think their large family was religiously motivated, but i honestly don't know. i *do* know that they were very traditional and "old fashioned" in that my grandfather was treated like the king of the castle, and my grandmother deferred to him in every way. he made all the decisions, and woe to anyone who tried to cross him.
my father basically "ran away" to the U.S. once he was married in an effort to get as far away from his parents as possible. my aunt was married very young (at 17) to also get away. i remember the shock i felt when i found out my aunt and grandmother were pregnant at the same time, and that my cousin is actually older than my youngest aunt.
i've seen the damage this has caused their family - kids raising kids, not being allowed to have any fun or make any decisions. almost all my aunts/uncles eloped to get away from their parents- and those marriages caused estrangements for years.
thankfully, my dad did not carry over that mentality and has been a loving & decent father to my sister and me. but i do see the permanent damage inflicted.
i know that their story isn't really relevant to the QF/P movement, but i feel that there are little threads of similarity to the large family, tyrranical parents, and children's lack of expression.
thanks to everyone for sharing your stories, and i wish everyone luck in following their path to happiness and fulfillment.
xo
ETA: i didn't write much about myself...i am newly single, with no kids. not sure if i want children, honestly. i have nothing against big families, think they seem kinda fun actually. as long as having kids is your choice, and not an outside pressure.
my own background is very far removed from fundie christianity. i'm a very lapsed catholic (am closer to buddhism than christianity) - our family tradition is catholic, but i see it more as a social tradition for high holidays and sacraments rather than day-to-day adherance of scripture and church "rules".
what *has* captivated me is seeing how closely the QF/P "system" for raising families mirrors the way my father was raised. my parents were both born & raised in Europe, in larger families. religion played a role in their lives, but mostly because at that time, *everyone* was a practicing (or at least pretending to be) catholic. catholicism was so engrained in the culture- holidays, weddings, funerals are steeped in church traditions. the church was the center of things for generations.
my mom is the oldest daughter in a family of 6, and was definitely expected to help her mother with housework and chores. however, my grandmother was a firm believer that her kids should have educations and encouraged to make their own decisions/be their own people. therefore, she and her siblings were raised in a much more liberal and free way.
my dad is the oldest of 9 kids, and unfortunately his upbringing was much more rigid. he and his sister (the next oldest) were pulled out of school at incredibly young ages (this was legal in post- WW2 europe- kids were only legally obligated to stay in school until the 5th grade).
my father and aunt were like 2nd parents without any rights in the growing family. my father went out to work every day like a grown man, but had no rights to his income - it was all siphoned back to the "family". my aunt was basically a housewife from the time she was 12. my grandparents kept having kids, and the 2 oldest kids were expected to be "back up" parents to the growing brood.
unfortunately, both of my grandparents are now deceased, so i will never be able to get explanation from them. i don't think their large family was religiously motivated, but i honestly don't know. i *do* know that they were very traditional and "old fashioned" in that my grandfather was treated like the king of the castle, and my grandmother deferred to him in every way. he made all the decisions, and woe to anyone who tried to cross him.
my father basically "ran away" to the U.S. once he was married in an effort to get as far away from his parents as possible. my aunt was married very young (at 17) to also get away. i remember the shock i felt when i found out my aunt and grandmother were pregnant at the same time, and that my cousin is actually older than my youngest aunt.
i've seen the damage this has caused their family - kids raising kids, not being allowed to have any fun or make any decisions. almost all my aunts/uncles eloped to get away from their parents- and those marriages caused estrangements for years.
thankfully, my dad did not carry over that mentality and has been a loving & decent father to my sister and me. but i do see the permanent damage inflicted.
i know that their story isn't really relevant to the QF/P movement, but i feel that there are little threads of similarity to the large family, tyrranical parents, and children's lack of expression.
thanks to everyone for sharing your stories, and i wish everyone luck in following their path to happiness and fulfillment.
xo
ETA: i didn't write much about myself...i am newly single, with no kids. not sure if i want children, honestly. i have nothing against big families, think they seem kinda fun actually. as long as having kids is your choice, and not an outside pressure.
