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Post by km on Oct 24, 2009 12:11:46 GMT -5
Vyckie, obviously you are right that it's a very serious matter when someone feels unsafe like that. But the other side of the issue is that when a person needs direct feedback in order to understand what is going on socially, and they cannot get that feedback, they are not safe and do not feel safe. So people need to strive to be both honest and respectful. Yeah, this is kind of where I was coming from. That being an issue for me, though, I don't tend to expect safety.
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Post by Vyckie D. Garrison on Oct 24, 2009 12:14:56 GMT -5
fwiw, I wish she would come back. I second this. leathercouch ~ if you're reading, please reconsider. You are wanted and welcome here.
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Post by Vyckie D. Garrison on Oct 24, 2009 12:23:43 GMT -5
And you're right, I do tend to expect people to be relatively thick-skinned. I'll try to tone that down. I mostly frequent rather...eh...snarkier forums, so I appreciate your clarity about what is needed here. Thanks for your consideration, km. Your input here is a good thing ~ and I want to be able to think about the issues which you have introduced to the various topics. kisekelia said it well: let's strive to be honest and respectful.
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Post by km on Oct 24, 2009 12:25:33 GMT -5
Thanks for your consideration, km. Your input here is a good thing ~ and I want to be able to think about the issues which you have introduced to the various topics. kisekelia said it well: let's strive to be honest and respectful. Sure. To be clear, my discourse *wouldn't* have been considered disrespectful in other communities that I'm involved in. I think it's important to be clear about what it is that's expected in different communities, as they all seem to have different rules. So, it's particularly helpful to me that you've done that.
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Post by Sierra on Oct 24, 2009 15:09:16 GMT -5
There is a member here on the forum whom I've contacted about sharing her story as a QF daughter ~ I wanted to encourage her and I expressed my hope that in sharing her story with the NLQ readers ~ receiving feedback and encouragement ~ in that way, she might find a great deal of validation and healing from the trauma which she endured as a result of her parents' adoption of the QF/P worldview and lifestyle. So with great trepidation and plenty of anonymity, this wounded young woman wrote her story ~ and I can only imagine how painful it must have been to recall her experience in great detail ~ when I read it, I cried ~ I was stunned and shaken, and I thought, "This is the sort of painful honesty which QF moms need to hear ~ better to learn the truth of how quivering daughters feel from one who has escaped (though she still suffers) and is willing to speak up ~ than from their own daughters years later when they finally find their own voices." This story is especially powerful. So, I was more than disappointed to check my email Thursday evening after the scuffle on this thread ~ and read that the story has been withdrawn ~ the NLQ member no longer feels the safety which we've worked fairly hard to maintain here and she is no longer willing to openly share her story. Nooo!! I am truly sorry if my anti-fundamentalism militancy has contributed to her decision. I would have really appreciated hearing from another QF daughter - I don't know any who are willing to talk about their pasts (which is really very understandable). I should stress for anyone reading my earlier posts that I do believe individuals can overcome their beliefs on many occasions - no one ever fully adheres to a set of beliefs without putting their own thoughts into it - but what I truly can't tolerate is the patriarchal belief system that denies futures to young women.
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Post by castor on Oct 24, 2009 15:49:27 GMT -5
Sierra, you? I might have missed something. Maybe I've missed some of your posts (though I read pretty much every post on these forums ), or maybe I didn't miss them but didn't realize they were yours. But I don't think there's any reason, any reason at all for you to worry you might have scared someone away. You are clear about what you believe, where you stand, but I don't remember you writing anything that crossed the line when it comes to being respectful. Loved the beginning of your story by the way. Wait. Loved might be the wrong word. It wasn't a happy beginning. But it was powerful, and beautifully, beautifully written. Ever thought about writing a novel? Your writing style seems just right for it.
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Post by amanda on Oct 25, 2009 12:54:39 GMT -5
Tagging on to what Vyckie and others have said wrt communication styles... Many of us here have dealt with abuse in some form or fashion. Not all, but I'd say the majority even. For some it was abuse as a child, either from family members or others in authority. For others it was as an adult, either from a spouse, or from a church hierarchy, or even a variety of sources. And we all deal with that in different ways. My ex responded to the physical, emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse he was subjected to as a child by becoming extremely defensive. If there was even the possibility of a negative statement being directed toward him, he was on it like nobody's business, demanding clarification of even the most innocuous glance. Conversely, I responded to the verbal, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse I experienced as an adult by becoming painfully tactful, quiet, hesitant, and unbelievably careful in every word choice I made... anything to keep the peace, try to keep the power on, try to keep things quiet. Try to keep the neighbors from ever knowing that we weren't normal. My ex finds comfort in direct confrontation, because then he is in control of the situation -- and he lacked that control as a child. I find comfort in a complete lack of confrontation -- because for a decade that was the only chance I had for peace. And those are just two possible ways of responding to abuse. They aren't all the possible ways -- just two people dealing with two different situations in their own way. And he and I both work on our issues. I have opinions, and I will share them, but I'll tell you now that I'm scared to death of being "called" on something even while I realize that it's entirely likely something I should be called on. And the ex... well, he tries. Bless his heart, he tries. I think. He's trying at any rate. Anyway, it's hard not to walk on eggshells with such potentially diverse compensation mechanisms running rampant. But assuming goodwill is an excellent place to start.
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